Posted by fallenpastor | Posted in Allison, movies, sleep, writing, xbox, youtube | Posted on 25-05-2011
When I say I think too much, I really do. Allison always tells me that I’m thinking on at least five different levels at once. I prefer to think of it as three different levels. Typically, I have a surface level I’m thinking on – “This day is lovely.” Then there’s a middle level – “Allison is speaking to me right now about a critical matter.”
Then, there’s a deep level where I’m processing a lot of information. Maybe I’m processing one thing. Maybe I’m processing three things. But it’s going on in the background and I can either keep it going on quietly or it can come crashing in on me unannounced at an inappropriate time. Sometimes I’m unaware that it’s even happening – “Ray, have you even thought that pastors are vulnerable at a core level before they fall? This is big time information for your book!” “Ray, your relationship with your father could have been helped if you had realized your own weaknesses four years ago. Maybe you could blog about this in relation to Paul’s concept of fruits of the spirit and how you expected your church members to keep them but you weren’t.” BAM!
You can probably guess I don’t sleep much. Allison, my poor wife, sleeps less than me. She has a job where they don’t really respect her life, her child, or her time of stay. They beat her like a rented mule. She goes out of her way to make sure my needs are met before hers. Which is interesting. We’re both givers. I do everything I can to make sure her needs are met before mine. She does the same. Can you imagine two people in the same marriage trying to outgive the other? It gets strangely frustrating.
Not to mention that I feel very inadequate for her. The first time I ever laid eyes on her I knew she was special. But she belonged to someone else. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t lust after her at that moment. But she had something about her. There are a lot of women in this world but very few of them have that “special” sparkle in their eye. Some of them try but the majority of them fail. She doesn’t. Allison’s problem is that she’s had the unfortunate problem of being around a lot of losers in life.
I hope I’m not the next loser. After being outside all day, I smell like one. But I digress. Boy, I sure got off point.
Anyway, what I’m saying is that I have a ton to think about these days. My mind never stops. Ever. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a drink, I start thinking. I think about life, my book, my kids, my wife. I think about what I should be doing differently. I think about my past and I think about how many pastors I can keep from falling. I want to stop thinking.
Yeah, I hear you guys out there. Turn to Scripture. I gotcha. I do. I pray. Thanks.
But there are times I just need to turn my stinking mind off. Even Scripture can’t turn my mind off. You know? Sometimes Scripture reminds me of how awful I am. Or of what I need to do next.
So, there’s XBox. Some of my followers have already told me how they hate XBox. My wife hates XBox. So hold your comments.
I LOVE IT.
“If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” I would. If I lived in Utah and could marry my XBox and Allison, by Moroni, I would.
There have been nights I haven’t been able to sleep and it has rocked me to sleep like a baby. Go ahead, fundamentalists. Judge me. Tell me I’m a heathen for playing L.A. Noire. For playing Toy Story 3, Mercenaries 2, NCAA Football whatever the year, Red Dead Redemption. Judge me. Guess what? I’m playing video games. I’m distracted. My mind isn’t rambling off it’s five rails into oblivion.
If I get sucked into a Flynnesque warp, that’s fine. You want to argue the commandments and the video game sphere? Yeah, that’s fine. It keeps me sane. I think. Or not.
I’m distracted. I’m tame. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
You know you want to hook up with me on XBox. raynallie is my username.