Pastors Need Comfort, To Avoid Disaster

(Over the next few posts, I’m going to talk about sev­eral rea­sons why the book “Fallen Pas­tor” is for any­one con­cerned about the future of the church. We are in the midst of a cri­sis and need to under­stand how to approach it).

I con­ducted an inter­view recently with Joy Wil­son, author of “Uncen­sored Prayer.” I asked her a ques­tion that has been haunt­ing me. When I wrote, “Fallen Pas­tor: Find­ing Restora­tion in a Bro­ken World,” I never looked back and thought it was incom­plete. But I asked Joy the fol­low­ing ques­tion: “In hind­sight, is there a mes­sage you wish you could have added to the book?”

Since I asked that ques­tion, I have been con­sumed by it. I wish I had added some­thing to my own book. Pas­tors are very needy peo­ple. They need com­fort, just like every­one else. If their com­forts are not being met, it can become a dan­ger­ous place for the enemy to step in.

When I say com­fort, I don’t mean that pas­tors need to be pam­pered ²⁴⁄₇. I’m not talk­ing about the idea that trou­ble will come and pas­tors need to face them. Let me explain.

Tonight, my lovely wife Alli­son and I went to a local diner after a funeral vis­i­ta­tion. Usu­ally, when I go to a small mom and pop diner, I won’t even crack the menu. I will sim­ply ask the server, “What is the best thing you’ve got?“At this restau­rant in Crofton, Ken­tucky, they had three pages of meals that all looked really good to me at the moment. But I knew that there was some­thing there that they did really, really well.

Our wait­ress paused and said, “The open faced roast beef sand­wich. It’s served with a side of mashed pota­toes and cov­ered with gravy.”

I said, “l’ll have that.” Know why? Because her rec­om­men­da­tion was more than just what they did best. It was some­thing she had eaten. It was com­fort food. It was food for the soul. And my good­ness, when it came, it fed my soul.

I was sud­denly reminded that pas­tors need com­fort. A lot of peo­ple who read this won’t like what I have to say in the next few para­graphs, but it is impor­tant if we are going to change this cul­ture. A cul­ture in which I fell. A cul­ture in which 1,500 pas­tors a month are leav­ing the min­istry, many due to moral failure.

Pas­tors work in high pres­sure sit­u­a­tions, regard­less of the size of their churches. Much is asked of them. Many of these men see the min­istry as an extremely high call­ing, and they should. Unfor­tu­nately, many of these men sac­ri­fice time with their fam­i­lies and wives to do the work of min­istry because of overly high expec­ta­tions placed on them by their churches or by themselves.

They have no com­fort. Some, over time, seek out com­fort through a quick fix of pornog­ra­phy. Some, whose mar­riages are dete­ri­o­rat­ing because of min­istry, look else­where. That may come as a shock to some. The pas­tor shows up on Sun­day with his lovely wife, his beau­ti­ful chil­dren — some peo­ple think, “I wish my fam­ily was like that.”

But what many peo­ple do not real­ize is that the pastor’s home life is in sham­bles. His home life and mar­riage is in awful shape. Why? Because he has laid out every­thing in pur­suit of the ministry.

In his mind, he has jus­ti­fied it all. He thinks he is doing the work of God. He vis­its the sick, attends dea­cons meet­ings, preaches the word, evan­ge­lizes the lost. But over in the cor­ner, the rela­tion­ship with his wife and fam­ily is fad­ing and he doesn’t real­ize it.

He comes home from a bad day and tries to talk to his wife, only to see that she has become alien­ated from him. It is his fault. It is their fault. There is no com­fort. So he seeks com­fort elsewhere,wrongfully, sin­fully. Through porn. Through lust. And maybe though an inap­pro­pri­ate rela­tion­ship nearby.

Friends, what I am telling you is that pas­tors need com­fort from home. From their churches. Just like those fried chicken home cooked meals mom used to fix. Pas­tors can­not be expected to extend them­selves out on the church field and for­get about the most impor­tant mis­sion field — their family.

Com­fort, the great­est and best com­fort comes from home. Don’t extend your pas­tor so much that he can’t have the touch­stone of relief from his wife and children.

When I was writ­ing my book and inter­view­ing fallen pas­tors, the most com­mon traits of a fall were so obvi­ous. The expec­ta­tions were too high, they were iso­lated from hav­ing real rela­tion­ships, there was too much con­flict over silly things and they had lack of inti­macy with their spouses.

Each of these things beg for com­fort! The pas­tor needs friends, real friends who will com­fort him! He needs a church body and lead­er­ship who will be able to dis­cern what is really impor­tant — the preach­ing of the Word, not what color the car­pet will be. He needs peo­ple in the con­gre­ga­tion who under­stand him as a fallen sin­ner, like them, who has weak­nesses. He needs them to be com­fort­able with his strengths and weak­nesses as a leader.

Finally, he needs time at home to be com­fort­able with his wife and fam­ily. Most pas­tors get a day off dur­ing the week. But when I talk to my cur­rent pas­tor friends, they still get calls from the church on their days off. Pas­tors need time one on one with their wives. To bond, to heal. The min­istry is, unfor­tu­nately, a bat­tle­field. It doesn’t just involve the pas­tor, it involves his whole fam­ily. Give him time to nur­ture his fam­ily. To date her. To spend sweet emo­tional time with her, to for­get the tra­vails of the church for a few hours.

It’s funny as I write this, my power is out. I’m writ­ing this on my iPhone as storms are wreak­ing havoc across the county where I live. Under­stand this: pas­tors who do not have ade­quate sup­port and com­fort are absolutely pow­er­less. Yes, they are to look to Christ for all power, but He has given us the church to sup­port one another through all things. None of us is in this alone.

Pas­tors across Amer­ica need com­fort time. And they need their churches to be proac­tive in giv­ing it to them. It’s one pos­i­tive step in ensur­ing we don’t have more fallen pastors.