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Another Fallen Pastor, More Judging.

I just read a story about Zachery Tims, pastor of a megachurch in Orlando, Florida. Never heard of him before tonight. Apparently, he was found dead in New York from a drug overdose. The article I link tells of his roller coaster past. He had one of the largest churches in central Florida – over...

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Your Church Already Has A Plan To Deal With Adultery

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, bitterness, burnout, church, church leadership, church members, churches, fallenness, forgiveness, hurt, pastors, prevention, reconciliation, repentance, restoration, sin | Posted on 16-04-2014

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planYou may not be aware of this, but your church has a plan in place to deal with a church crisis. It does. On this site, I primarily deal with the crisis of a pastor leaving when he’s caught in adultery, so I’m going to deal with that.

Churches today are finding themselves in this situation more and more. The statistic gets thrown around that 1,500 pastors a month leave the ministry due to conflict, burnout or moral failure. Think that statistic is shocking? I have a lot more on this blog and more in my book.

But your church leadership has a plan ready to go whether they realize it or not.

Think of it like this. This morning, you woke up, got out of bed and brushed your teeth (I hope). You did a bunch of other things in order to face the world. You ate breakfast (maybe), got dressed, took a shower, put on some clothes, and got in your vehicle.

Somewhere in your day, you had to adapt to something. Let’s say unexpectedly, on your way to work, a squirrel ran out in front of your car. (What is it with me and squirrels on this blog?) You had a split second decision to make. Do you swerve and possibly hit that mailbox? Do you slam on the brakes and spill your coffee? Do you keep going as the squirrel darts frantically in several directions as it decides which way to go?

You see, suddenly, you realize you have a plan in place, embedded in your mind on how to deal with squirrels that run out in squirrel5front of your car. It’s instinctual. Most everything we do in life is that way. We just roll along, reacting. When things come at us, we react. What are those reactions based on? Lots of things. They’re based on our worldview, how we’ve seen other people deal with things before, the expectations of others, and how we’ve dealt with them in the past.

What happens when we are in a church and we find out that the pastor has been committing adultery?

From experience, I can tell you that the endgame goes one of four ways.

The pastor is often fired immediately and kicked to the curb. He’s gone. Not much discussion to be had because he’s sinned and he needs to go. Those are the consequences of his actions.

The other thing I’ve seen is that the church leadership finds out and decides not to tell the congregation. They put the pastor on “sabbatical leave“. This means he and his wife go to counseling for a few months and come back and he returns to the pulpit. Honestly, this doesn’t do much to fix the man’s relationship with Christ or his wife.

pulpit2The next way I’ve seen it play out is that the pastor confesses his sin and is allowed to stay on as pastor. The congregation sees what they see is true repentance and doesn’t see a need for him to go. This keeps a man who is very troubled in the pulpit without considering that he might need to step down for a while to get serious help.

The final way is for the church to recognize he needs help. He cannot remain the pastor, but he is also a member of that local body of believers. They follow the wisdom of Galatians 6:1 and desire to restore him to Christ. He’s given a severance package that includes intensive counseling which hopefully involves going to a place that can help restore him to Christ. The church, made up of godly leadership does all they can do with a pastor who desires repentance from this sin he has committed.

These are things I’ve been covering in my past few blog posts.

What I’m saying is that we are all wired to react. We all have a plan in our minds of how we would handle this situation. The problem is that most of us don’t have the right and biblical response wired in our minds. Instead, our first instinct is one of immense hurt.

What do we often do when people hurt us? We respond by acting out to hurt them like they’ve hurt us. It’s a very human response. But as hard as it may be, we are to be better than that. If the pastor has any hope of restoration and has any signs whatsoever of repentance, we are to chase him down and get him help. He’s one of us. He is a brother in Christ who needs us. He has fallen far and needs hope.

If we don’t get our hurt in check, it quickly turns into anger. Do you see how the plan that we innately have in place can quickly get out of hand? The passions of our hearts can quickly move away from the biblical response we should be having.

It’s not easy, I know that. Being a strong biblical leader in the midst of horrible news like that requires grace, mercy and patience. It takes every ounce of Christ like love. It takes discernment to know if the pastor is being truly repentant. He may rebuff every effort you make at asking him to repent. If that’s the case, the saddest thing is letting him go his own way.

But if he has any sliver of hope that he wants to repent, we are to treat him like the prodigal son. We are to love person pewhim as a wayward brother in Christ and get him the help he needs. Are we to welcome him right back into the pulpit? No. But we are to get him and his family immediate help so that this man will not be destroyed.

There are organizations within denominations that offer help for men who have fallen and want to be restored to Christ. I’m working on finding a way to get a list of them together so that people can find them in an more efficient manner.

If you are one of those organizations and want to be listed here or make yourselves known, please contact me so churches and fallen pastors can find you.

Let’s start looking at our plans before our pastors fall. Better yet, lets prevent these falls before they happen. I can come speak anywhere to talk about the dangers that pastors face. If not me, I know others who would be happy to talk about the pitfalls that pastors face on a daily basis that can weaken them.

It’s time to face these issues before they become a calamity in our local churches. Let’s start working together to make this problem a thing of the past. Let’s take that number of 1,500 a month and get it as close to zero as possible. But it will take local churches, church leaders, associational directors, local bishops, denominational leaders, and the people in the pews to make it happen.

I get an email each day from a fallen pastor, a church that needs help, a woman who is having an affair with a pastor, or a pastor’s wife who has just discovered her husband has been unfaithful. I minister to each of these people regularly and lovingly. It’s what I do. It’s heartbreaking, but I love that God has called me to it.

But I would find so much joy to be able to find a way to prevent it all from happening in the first place.

Want to leave a comment? Click the “keep reading” button and join the conversation.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

If you are a church leader and still have questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

When the Pastor Falls 3: Biblical vs. Unethical Response

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, church leadership, churches, leadership, ministry, pastors | Posted on 12-04-2014

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This series is designed to help church leaders have a broad concept on how to handle the situation when their pastor has been accused of moral failure. Not all situations are the same, but the response should always be one of love, grace and truth.

Take time to catch up on parts one and two before reading today’s post.

The Church’s Response to the Pastor’s Sin

ashamedpThis post assumes you’ve sat down with the pastor and you know he has committed a sexual sin. He’s either admitted to adultery or you are convinced he has and you have the evidence. In my last post, I quoted Dr. Hershael York (I strongly encourage you to go back and read that quote) who said that the church’s response should be guided by how the pastor reacts. (Dr. York’s quote and other ways to handle a pastor’s reaction are also found in my book.)

At this moment, the pastor has forfeit his right to shepherd the church. He was appointed to be the pastor of a congregation under the guidelines of 1 Timothy 3 and he has lost the trust of the congregation. I am of the belief that in the overwhelming majority of cases, the church should be informed of the sin.

A couple of important things need to be remembered. First if your pastor shows any sign of repentance he needs to be restored. I’m not talking about being restored to ministry. That’s something that is so far off that it’s not even in the conversation at this point. He needs to be restored to Christ and his family. And as a member of your congregation, it is upon you to find him help. Does he need to remain at your church? Probably not. But he is a member of your local body of believers and I don’t believe it is Scripturally acceptable to kick the man to the curb if he is showing any sign of repentance.

Find a program, counselor, group, or organization that can get him help. There are several out there. Check with your denomination. Check out pirministries.org. Give him severance pay so that he can find a way beyond what has just happened and have hope. Remember that this man has sinned. Has he hurt you? Absolutely. But we are commanded to treat one another with love and restore one another to Christ.

I also remind churches that the world is watching how we will react to a sinner in our midst. This time, the sinner is the pastor. What will we do with a man who just got caught and is asking for forgiveness and is showing some level of repentance? The unbelieving world is watching how we treat those in our midst and how we treat one another.

How NOT to Respond to Your Pastor’s Sin

I think the most horrifying decision I see is when churches decide to cover up the sin. I don’t think a lot of the churches think of it that way. What I usually hear from church leaders is, “Are we doing anyone a favor when we throw him out? Isn’t it enough that we know he’s sinned? He’s repented to God and to us. Isn’t that enough?”

No, it’s not enough. I’ve blogged about it here extensively and mentioned it a few paragraphs ago. When a pastor falls, he has hidingsinned against God and he needs to make that right. But he has violated the trust of every church member in his care. He has (at least for a while) forfeit his right to hold the office of overseer.

When a church leadership team along with the pastor decides that the church “doesn’t need to know,” they are making a mistake that has repercussions that are sinful and will come to bear in many ways.

First, their decision often does not take into account the pain that the wife of the pastor is enduring. It is the case that many times the church leadership will tell the pastor, “You’ve sinned, but you can stay. But you and your wife need to take six months off for counseling.” Guess what? Six months doesn’t fix it. In my experience, the wife still has trust issues and after her husband returns to the pulpit, she watches him in that position of authority and asks, “How can he be preaching while our marriage is still in so much trouble?

On top of that, six months really doesn’t fix him either. Restoration takes a very long time to fix a man whose relationship to Christ was so broken that he committed adultery. After that, then he can work on his marriage.

Second, when I talk to churches about their decision to retain the pastor, I will almost always eventually hear, “Well, if he leaves, we’re going to lose a lot of people. He sure brought a lot of people here and they’ll leave if he leaves.” I cannot imagine a more selfish, man-centered response. The leadership is really saying one of two things (if you care to read between the lines): “We can’t do the Scriptural thing because our attendance will decline. Membership numbers are more important than standing by doing what is right.” Or, the more frightening alternative: “We can’t get rid of him, the offering will be lighter.

When I counsel pastors who have committed adultery and haven’t told anyone, they are very worried about losing their jobs. Of course they are. It’s scary. It’s usually the only job we have. It’s what we spent our lives training for. And if we lose it, what are we going to do? But it’s a consequence of our sin. We knew that when we crossed the line.

directionBut there’s always hope. I always tell guys, “You know what? Telling people the truth and being honest is always the right thing to do. It’s not easy, in fact, it hurts. But I can promise you that God always helps and stands by those who make the decision to start walking again in the right direction.

Third, when church leadership decides to hide the truth from the congregation, it doesn’t stay hidden. It will eventually come out. It may come out a year later or I’ve seen it come out 20 years later. But the truth comes out. And the members say, “Why didn’t you tell us? Why would you allow our pastor who committed adultery to keep preaching? Don’t you think we deserved to be informed?”

Still, some of you are unconvinced. The church needs to know. And a wise, loving, caring leadership with a biblically based message can share the truth of what the pastor did in the right way. Moreover, the leadership will have a team of people or experts on hand to help the congregation through it all.

Worse yet, when you hide such a thing from the congregation, you’re keeping a secret from everyone. You’re asking every leaders, the pastor’s spouse, his family, those involved, and anyone else who knows to keep quiet. You’re telling them to keep this horrible secret to themselves and never talk about it to anyone. To push down the hurt, pain and grief over a sin that needs to be dealt with.

It’s just not right. And that’s why church leadership needs to be trained in this before it happens. That’s why they need to know how to handle this situation beforehand. Lovingly, with wisdom. They need to know what resources exist. They need to be able to discuss openly with one another how they would deal with such an ordeal if it ever occurred.

Pray to God it never would. But be prepared if it does. Because if it does, people’s hearts need to be protected. Individuals need to be counseled and healed. A pastor and his family need to be embraced. And the truth of God needs to be uncompromising.

Next time, we will look at the post-pastor fallout and how to deal with the church members.

Want to leave a comment? Click the “keep reading” button and join the conversation.

____________________________

Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

When a Pastor Falls 2: Confronting the Pastor

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, affair, church leadership, churches, deacons, Hershael York, leadership, ministry, pastoring, pastors, reconciliation, repentance, restoration | Posted on 10-04-2014

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This series is about how church leadership can effectively handle the fall of their pastor when he has been accused of sexual Three businessmen having meeting in officeimmorality. It is a horrible situation for any church to find themselves in. It is seemingly a n0-win situation for anyone. But it is a situation that more and more churches find themselves in. I am a fallen pastor and over the past four years, I have counseled many fallen ministers and hurt churches and I hope to help others find a way through this process that creates healing for all involved.

Please take time to read part one here. Today, we will focus on meeting with the minister after all the facts have been gathered, the pastor’s response, and how to minister to the fallen pastor’s spouse.

Meeting With the Minister

There are two situations you could be facing when you meet with him. You’ll either have evidence of his adultery or you won’t. Either way, what should you do? I suggest you have a straightforward meeting. It’s not the time for any type of mind games. Always remember that God is in control of every situation. If there’s sin involved, God is always at work and will be the one to take care of it.

Before the pastor arrives, make sure the church leadership is on the same page about what you’re going to discuss. If there is any disagreement whatsoever about how to handle the meeting, take care of it before the pastor arrives. The church leadership needs to be of one mind and heart before the meeting takes place.

Agree that this is not an angry confrontation. This is a meeting among brothers in Christ. There are two things to always remember. First, how would you want to be treated if you were the one being confronted about a possible sin in your life? Second, always remember Galatians 6:1: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

upsetIt’s best if just one leader does most of the talking so you can stay on point. You’ll probably know which of you is best suited for the job. If you don’t think any of you are able to do it, ask an outside mediator to help. A pastor from another church you trust, an associational director, or a strong Christian from the community.

Then, it’s time for the meeting. If you don’t have any physical evidence, share with him what you do have then let him speak. If you have evidence, let it be addressed.

The Pastor’s Reaction

I’ve been blogging here for four years. I’ve been talking to fallen pastors for the same amount of time. There are all kinds of pastors out there. When a pastor falls, it’s always a shock. Sometimes a pastor falls and the church can’t believe such a wonderful man of God could do such a thing, but he’s been committing adultery behind his wife and the church’s back for ten years. I’ve talked to churches whose pastor had kids with other women years ago and no one knew about it.

What I’m saying is that each situation is different. And when you sit down to talk to your pastor about suspected sexual immorality, he may be completely innocent. Then again, the man you are talking to may have been putting on a front for years that you have been fooled by. I got away with it for a few months. Some get away with it for years. In some ways, all of us know how to put up a front and keep people from knowing who we really are.

When you sit down and confront a pastor about his sin, he may break down and confess everything. He may have been wanting to get caught. But some will flat out deny everything. Even if you have the most compelling evidence in the world, they may lie and try to talk their way out of it. They may say, “Well, I was involved emotionally with someone.” Or they might say, “Whoever gave you that information is crazy. How long have you known me?”

That’s why this calls for discernment on the part of church leadership. That’s why you have to have your information together. That’s why when you talk to the minister about this, you have to gauge his reaction carefully. You should be able to tell pretty quickly whether he is involved in sin. It should be apparent to everyone in the room. And whatever response he gives, it needs to be handled with love, grace and compassion.

The Proper Response

I’m going to write more later about how church leadership should handle the pastor when sexual immorality is confirmed, but I defensivewant to share this quote from Dr. Hershael York. He’s the preaching professor at Southern Seminary and runs an excellent site at pastorwell.com. I interviewed him for my book and asked him how a church should respond to a pastor when they find out about his sin. When should they help him recover and get him counseling and when should they just let him go? Here’s what he said:

“A church’s posture has to be guided by whether or not there is repentance, because your posture has to be one thing if a person is living in defiance and embracing their sin. Then you have to confront. 1 Corinthians 5 kicks in and Paul describes as turning them over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh. There’s nothing pretty about that. But if a person is broken and repentant over their sin, even if they want to be and they’re not there yet, but they want to be.

“They may say, ‘It’s hard for me to leave this 23 year old girl who thinks I hung the moon and go back to a wife I struggled with for the past 20 years, but I want to do that because it honors the Lord.’ Well, if a guy says that, then by all means, you’ve got to walk that walk with him, or see that someone does. Because sometimes the unity of the church matters too and the leaders in the church have to take care of the church but what they cannot do is just abandon the one in sin and say, ‘Well, you’re on your own.’”

The Pastor’s Wife

upsetwomanNot to be forgotten about in all of this is the pastor’s wife and his family. When a pastor is caught in adultery, his wife is absolutely devastated. Most often, the pastor cheats on her with a staff member, church support staff, or a family friend. Church leadership needs to be able to be ready to surround the pastor’s spouse with support.

I have seen wives who decide to stay with their husbands and they are shown scorn from people in the church for doing so. I have also seen the opposite – wives who leave their husbands and are shown contempt for doing so. It is a traumatic event for the spouse and what she needs is not to be surrounded by people telling her “you need to divorce that creep” or “you know, the Bible says divorce is a sin.” Advice given may be correct, but what the spouse needs for such an awful moment are people who are willing to simply comfort her, cry with her, and allow her to be herself.

Helpful article on helping the pastor’s wife during a crisis:

Helping Your Pastor’s Wife After a Church Crisis” by Paraleko

Next time, I want to focus on the church’s public response to the pastor’s adultery.

Want to leave a comment? Click the “keep reading” button and join the conversation.

____________________________

Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

When a Pastor Falls, 1: Help For Leaders

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, affair, church, church leadership, church members, churches, conflict, fallenness, gossip, leadership, ministry, pastoring, pastors, preachers, reconciliation | Posted on 08-04-2014

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I wanted to be able to write something to help churches and leaders have a guide for when their pastor falls. The crisisproblem is that no two situations are quite alike. And yet, all situations are very similar. For the next few posts, I want to give some help that comes from my experience and from the things I’ve read in the past four years.

When a pastor falls, it’s not an easy experience for anyone. The advice I’m giving is general advice for when a church learns that their pastor has fallen morally. He might have committed adultery with another person, he might have been engaged in what he calls an “emotional affair“, or he might have been engaged in a long time addiction to pornography.

I want to start off with a few basic reminders before I start throwing out advice.

1. Remember that each and every decision needs to be bathed in prayer. People will be quick to act, easy to anger, and will be very hurt. Prayer has a way of focusing us in the right way.

2. Remember that decisions based on God’s Word, no matter how difficult they might be, will always be the right ones. A pastor who has committed adultery has forfeited his right to shepherd the flock for a time (that topic to be covered later).

3. But always remember that decisions based on God’s Word are always to be made with grace, love, and humility. If the pastor is removed, it should always be done with the grace of Galatians 6:1.

4. Never forget that there are many people involved in this matter. One man’s sin may be at the forefront, but there are many others who need care and need to see the church act with truth, love, and grace.

5. Keep it confidential until a decision is made. If your church leadership is gathering facts and talking to the pastor, gossip should not be part of anyone’s life. When the facts come in, your pastor may be cleared. If one of the church leaders goes home and tells his spouse all the details of an important meeting and word gets out and severely twisted, the damage may be too great.

6. Finally, never be afraid to ask for outside help. If your church leadership team isn’t sure about what to do, or you feel like you can’t seem to agree, find a mediator. Ask an expert for help. There are a lot of people I know and there are people provided by your denomination or association who can offer wisdom. Never feel like you’re alone or that you’re the first ones to go through this.

truefalseSo let’s get to some first steps in this matter. I don’t want to assume anything – like I said, people tend to find out differently and people tend to react differently.

Get The Facts Straight

Finding out that the pastor has committed some sort of adultery is not easy. The information can come in many different ways:

  • A rumor that has spread in the community
  • A church member might approach the church leadership with a printed out series of emails or Facebook messages that prove the pastor’s infidelity
  • An anonymous letter is sent to the pastor and church leadership from a woman claiming to be his mistress
  • The pastor’s wife might approach a deacon regarding her suspicions about the minister and a church member or staff member
  • A staff member might tell church leadership of an ongoing affair
  • At the end of a service, a church member/staff member might confess that the pastor has been cheating with them
  • The rumor might begin on a social media site (Facebook, Twitter) and get picked up by local media

There are many ways that church leadership can get informed of an issue the minister might be having. I’ve heard of or witnessed all of the scenarios listed above. The easiest thing to do is panic. The knee-jerk reaction is to fire the pastor.

The best thing to do is for the church leadership is to respond in a calm and biblical manner. Most church by-laws require some sort of due process for the minister. It is important to have a meeting with him. Before that meeting takes place, it is a good idea to do fact gathering from people who are knowledgeable about the situation.

The church leadership should take seriously any first-hand evidence that is presented to them. Always be wise with any evidence, discernmentunderstanding the people presenting it. Such a time requires discernment. If a person asks for a meeting with the church leadership and confesses to an affair with the pastor, should their claim be taken seriously? Absolutely. They have a right to be heard. Their claim should not be rejected outright. If they have evidence of communication, it is even more helpful. A problem can arise when someone rejects their claim because this person, “Isn’t the pastor. They aren’t trustworthy.”

Every person who has a justifiable claim has a right to be heard. Again, the claim may later be rejected as false or partially false, but all evidence needs to be weighed before rejecting any outright.

Gossip, innuendo, and rumor is not typically helpful. Anonymous letters are not the greatest. However, I have known many women who have written such letters and were truthful in what they wrote. Of course, the fact that they did not sign them led many to reject the claim. The church leadership should be careful in approaching such communication.

The pastor’s side of the story should be heard as well. He needs to understand the facts that have been gathered or given to the church leadership. One of the worst things that can happen in a meeting is for things to get personal. Sticking to the facts is very important.  I’ll talk more about meeting with the pastor later. But understand that it is important to always gather as much information as possible.

Don’t Read Into The Situation

If you do hear gossip, receive a letter, or have someone approach your leadership about your pastor’s fidelity, treat it as a serious matter.

One of the worst things we can do when an accusation is made (and no fault has been found in the pastor yet) is to think, “You know he has been acting weird lately,” or “He has always hugged the women in the church too long,” or “I never did feel comfortable around him.” You may feel those statements are true, but those statements may have nothing to do with the matter on the table now.

As church leaders, examine the facts as you have them, pray over them and prepare your heart for what decisions may lie ahead. Next time, we will examine meeting with the pastor, his reaction, and his spouse.

Want to leave a comment? Click the “keep reading” button and join the conversation.

____________________________

Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

Pastors In Trouble 5: Unrepentant Questions

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, affair, brokenness, church, church leadership, fallenness, humillity, ministry, pastors, repentance, restoration | Posted on 12-03-2014

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I love helping (and am always more than happy to help) anyone who contacts me through this fallingministry, but I am closest to the messed up, confused world of the freshly fallen pastor. And it is a horrible place to be. I tell fallen pastors, “No one really understands fallen ministers like a fellow fallen minister.”

One of the most confusing things for people on the outside looking in is the messed up morality of a fallen pastor. Here’s the deal – when a guy has committed adultery for a while and hasn’t been caught, he’s not thinking clearly or biblically. And when he gets caught, he’s going to try to justify and excuse his behavior any way he can. Often, he will use Scripture to justify his sin. I tried it. It even sounded good to me at the time. But it was wrong.

To everyone else, it sounds rotten. It is rotten. That’s why I always tell people to be kind and patient with a fallen pastor. Don’t let him twist the truth, but do show him compassion. Understand that he is going to come around eventually. He is living the life of the prodigal son – one day he’s going to wake up and smell the pig droppings. And when he does, he’s going to need people who care about him.

I want to answer a couple of the most frequently messed up questions I get from fallen pastors today (I introduced this issue in my last post). The answers will seem pretty obvious. But that’s just it – when you’re waist deep in the crud of sin, the answers aren’t obvious because we aren’t looking for truth.

You know what’s even more troubling? I get these same questions from church leaders who want to ignore the sin of their pastor because they don’t want the church’s reputation to suffer damage. They would rather hide the pastor’s affair (even though his wife knows), tell the woman he had an affair with to move on (because she’s usually a church member or member of the staff) and sweep it under the rug so that the church isn’t traumatized. I’m just gonna tell you that a decision like that always comes back to haunt a church and those involved.

quesr2So here are the most common messed up questions I get – questions I even considered when I wasn’t thinking clearly when I was mired in my sin.

1. “God has forgiven me, so why do I need to tell the church/my wife what I’ve done?”

God is a God of forgiveness. That is clear. He does cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. I am thankful for the amazing grace that God has shown to us by His Son Jesus Christ.

I blogged a little about this question before but want to give the response clearly again. If you are a church leader and you have committed adultery, you should ask God for forgiveness. But you also have a duty to tell your church and leaders.

When you were hired, voted in, appointed by a council – you were given the position of head elder/pastor and expected to fulfill the duties of 1 Timothy 3:1-13. Those people put their trust in you. They expected you to be faithful to your calling and be a person above reproach. When we commit a major sin, we violate their trust. When we violate their trust, we need to let them know and we have come under church discipline.

The same goes for our spouse. We took a vow. And even if we commit “emotional adultery,” there is something wrong in our marriage that needs to be fixed right away. If it doesn’t get fixed, we are going to do it again. Our spouse deserves to know that we violated our vow and that we have become vulnerable to sin.

2. “I committed adultery/had an emotional affair with a woman in the church. sorrycoupIt’s okay if she stays at the same church as I do, right?”

When guys ask me this question, I know a couple of things. First, they are in trouble spiritually and morally. They are not thinking clearly. Why? Because they think they are/or may actually be in love with the woman they are having an affair with. They cannot stand being apart from her. They don’t want to be away from her.

Second, if at this point a pastor has “only” admitted to an “emotional affair” and he asks this question – I can almost bank on the fact that he has crossed the line into the physical but he’s just not being forthcoming about it.

The big problem is this – if a man has been caught and he’s saying all the “right” things like, “I know I’ve sinned and I want to make things right with my wife.” But his actions are saying, “I still want to be around this woman and I’m still texting her and talking to her,” then what he’s saying and what he’s doing are two different things. He’s not repentant. He’s still trapped.

Listen carefully though. I have a tremendous amount of concern for the woman the pastor has been involved with. I think churches should have the same amount of concern, especially if she is a member or a part of the staff.

Back to the issue at hand. Pastor, if you have committed adultery and you want your marriage to work out, you’ve got to distance yourself permanently from the person you were with. End of story. On top of that, you have to be transparent for a long time with your wife about your cell phone, email, Facebook and anything else you have passwords on. Give her access to everything. It’s freedom. It one step back towards trust.

repenta3. “I’ll be okay pretty quick, right? I won’t be out the ministry very long.”

When you get caught, what you need is to be restored to Christ. Something went wrong. Lots of somethings. I write about it on this blog and in my book. Those things need to be fixed before any kind of ministry can ever happen again. A life of brokenness and humility need to occur while God restores you.

This doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen in a few weeks. If you’re lucky, it might happen in a year. It happens in God’s timing.

But when you’re honest about your sin and how you came to it, God will be longsuffering and will heal your heart. It’s not easy being honest, but it is rewarding. It’s tough, but it is the narrow road for those who want peace.

Want to leave a comment? Click the “keep reading” button and join the conversation.

____________________________

Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

Pastors In Trouble 4: If You Have To Ask…

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, fallenness, humillity, pastoring, pastors, repentance, restoration | Posted on 10-03-2014

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This blog is entitled “fallen pastor” but a lot of what I write could apply to anyone. All of us are susceptible to a ashamedfall. All of us are sinners and are capable of some pretty awful things. Honestly, you know what you’ve done. Maybe at this moment you are aware of a sin that you are attempting to hide from everyone. Maybe it’s not adultery – but it’s something that has a hold on you.

I know. You can stop whenever you want. And it really doesn’t control you.

Maybe you’re not in that situation now, but if you’re human, you have been. All of us have. The flesh gets hold of all of us at some point and we are addicts to something. We indulge in a sin and try to keep it secret – no matter how small.

The entire time we are sinning, we try to fool ourselves though. We think we are masters of that sin, but we are not. It has mastered us.

My father did his best to instill some wisdom in me. Two great thoughts that he repeated to me stick with me. The first was, “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” The second, and germane to this post was, “If you have to ask about the morality of something and whether you should do it, you probably shouldn’t.

He was dead right about that last one.

I’ve been writing this series about the problems in the church culture – how our pastors are in crisis. We are in a time of turmoil unlike we’ve never seen before.

I can’t tell you how many fallen pastors email me with questions about moral issues and church issues. They’re guys who have just been caught and they have serious questions like, “Do I really need to tell my wife about my affair?” or “I’ve told my wife, do I really need to tell my church?” or “I committed adultery with this woman in my church. I’m not going to do it again. So, it’s okay if she is still a member, right?” or “I’ve asked God for forgiveness and He forgives all sin. So there’s no reason to tell anyone else. That’s what the Bible says, right?

Like Dad said, if you have to ask, your morality is probably a little messed up…

self-justificationNow, if you haven’t ever sinned or if you have never been in a situation where you’ve never been in serious trouble, you’re probably yelling at your computer screen. For those of you who find those questions ridiculous, let me tell you that they are very real and I get them A LOT. I don’t get as riled up as some people when I hear them because I understand why fallen people ask them. I fell from the ministry so let me tell you that I understand those questions from a certain viewpoint, so let me give you some insight on why they get asked in the first place.

When a pastor is engaged in sin, his moral compass (sorry if you don’t like that term) is extremely messed up. If someone has been committing adultery for a time, then think about what they’ve done. They’ve cheated on their spouse, emailing and texting someone, lying to their family, preaching while they’ve been sinning, justifying their behavior to themselves and the other person, probably not having a deep relationship with God, and putting on a false face for everyone.

So guess what? When they get caught, their usual reaction to sin is not going to be very strong. So don’t be too shocked when they say something like, “Well, I know I cheated on my wife, but God has forgiven me so you should too.

Yeah, it sounds ridiculous to us. And it makes us angry. But for a moment remember that this person is mired in a terrible pit of sin. Their morality meter has been shut off for a very long time. What they need right now is a few things. First, they need intervention. They need someone to speak the truth in a loving way to them. Second, they need someone to listen to them carefully. Third, they need someone who is going to love them – because this person is going to come to their senses soon and most of the world/church is going to be very angry with them.

Fallen pastors/fallen people say some very ridiculous things. Why? Because they have spentarrogant the past few months/years hiding their sin. And they’ve gotten really good at it. Also, they know the Bible pretty well – and they will use it as a tool to try to justify their sin. Is that right? Nope. It’s terrible. But that’s the place they are in.

And for a moment realize that all of us – each one of us – has justified our own sin at some point in our lives. We were all enemies of God before He saved us.

That’s why when I get asked one of those questions I listed above – I don’t get mad. I just remember that people are in a place where their sin has overwhelmed them to a point where they are not thinking clearly. Their sin has so much control over them that they are living the life of a person who is bound to do and say things that are not glorifying to God. I asked most of those questions when I fell. I was the same self-serving, sinful, blinded person. I thought I was okay, but I wasn’t. And I didn’t want to listen to anyone.

They don’t realize it. In fact, in some way, they will think that God is in control of that situation and anyone who speaks against them is their enemy. It’s part of their defense mechanism when they are in full sin justification mode. I know this because I’ve been there.

And I also know what it’s like when God comes in and takes off the blinders. I know what it’s like when God humbles us and lets us know that we have sinned horribly. It’s not the prettiest moment.

grace3But I’m thankful that in that moment, He also shows His amazing grace. I know that people aren’t always the kindest when we sin, but God is patient and long-suffering. People will say things and do things in reaction to our sin – and that is a result of our actions. But eventually, God will humble us and restore us if we humble ourselves.

Next time, I’m going to answer those questions above that a lot of fallen pastors (and church leaders who are trying to keep the peace) ask when they have been caught.

Churches, Christians, pastors, we are in a period of crisis. Pastors are falling at an alarming rate – some are committing suicide. What are we going to do to stop it? How will we change the church culture so that our ministers can become stable and secure?

Want to leave a comment? Click the “keep reading” button and join the conversation.

____________________________

Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

Why Are So Many Pastors In Trouble?

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, burnout, church leadership, depression, pastoring, pastors | Posted on 24-02-2014

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Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 7: So How Do We Reconcile?Ministers are in serious trouble in our country. It’s starting to make headlines more and more.

Pastors are committing adultery, they’re getting burned out at a higher rate, some are unexpectedly leaving the ministry, and some are committing suicide.

From where I sit, I can’t help but think that there is a complete lack of response on the part of every major denomination (not that it’s their problem to solve). I get upwards of seven emails a week from pastors, churches, or leaders in distress – and those are the ones who are contacting me.

I’m networked with a handful of guys who are being contacted regularly by many others.

There is a statistic floating around out there – you might have heard it – that 1,500 pastors a month are leaving the ministry due to moral failure, burnout or conflict. I quote that statistic in my book. It came from a Navigators magazine and it’s a Focus on the Family statistic. The problem is that by now, it’s a little dated.

I weep at the fact that today, there are pastors who feel the only way out is suicide. And if we were able to do an accurate count today, I think the 1,500 number might be higher for pastors who were leaving. And I think if we were able to count the number of guys who were unwilling to take the call to begin with because they don’t want to deal with the church the way it is – I think the number would get even worse.

I’ve been ministering to fallen pastors for four years now. I’d like to discuss the problem for a Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 1: Before Your Pastor Fallsfew days. We can throw a band-aid on the issue all we want, but we have got to recognize the source issues.

They’re not issues that are foreign to pastors, church leaders, or anyone who has been in church for any length of time. Pastors fall for reasons that we are all familiar with. Unfortunately, they fall for reasons no one is willing to take seriously or do anything about.

If we are going to change these statistics, we are going to have to change the culture of our churches. And it can’t be a blame game. Pastors have to be willing to make changes in their own lives and the way they do ministry. Churches and leaders have to be willing to be honest with themselves and be ready to look at what’s going on to make a difference.

I do want to challenge anyone reading this to start with something simple. I’ve taken a huge problem – the fall of pastors in our nation – and said that it needs to change. It’s not going to change overnight and it’s not going to change with a book or a program or a speech or a blog.

It’s going to change with you. And it’s going to change because you allow Christ to work on your heart. All of us love to look around and say, “Well, the problem is that . . .” I saw an interview about why pastors are falling the other day. The pastor who was interviewed was calling church leaders a bunch of Pharisees. I’m not thinking that’s a good place to start.

So let’s start here. Ask yourself a question, “Am I (not your church, not your Sunday School class, not your spouse or children) loving people the way Christ intended for me to?

Face To Face With My Old ChurchBe careful. It’s easy to do two things with that question. It’s easy to answer it too quickly. It’s easy to say, “Yes, of course. I give my tithes, I pray for people, I go to church on Sunday . . .” If you did that (which is my mistake too often), then take a deep breath and put on your sandals and walk in the shoes of Christ for a while. Go read about what he did in the Gospels. How did he love others?

The other way to mess that question up is by devaluing ourselves and say, “I’m not doing enough.” (Pastors will do this a lot). We will say, “I know I love people, I teach, witness, work in the soup kitchen, but maybe I don’t do it good enough.” The problem with that is maybe we’re doing so many programs that we forgot to just sit at the Lord’s feet and listen. Just get quiet for a moment. A lot of ministers chase after the ministry so hard that they forget to chase after Christ.

For the next few days, I want to talk about what is happening to pastors. We’re falling. We’re hurting. We’re burned out. Some are literally killing themselves.

But it’s the symptom of several larger problems.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

How God Uses The Fallen

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, Christ, grace, ministry, repentance, restoration | Posted on 21-02-2014

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Forgiveness: Who's Saying What?, Part 1Four years ago yesterday, I married my best friend. Not too long before that, I had fallen from the ministry because I had committed adultery. It was a sin that hurt many people, my family and others. It took me a long time to see what the fallout and consequences were.

A few months after my fall I started this blog to try to make sense. Throughout my life I’ve written for many reasons. I write when I’m happy, when I’m sad and a lot of times I write when I’m trying to make sense of things. Those days, I was writing to try to make sense of all the competing voices in my head. I had theological voices, voices of my dead parents, selfish voices, voices of guilt, happy voices – and I didn’t know what to do.

So I wrote.

These four years later, I think back to something Allison said to me one time. She says a lot of smart things when I take time to listen to her. She said, “God uses us because of our mistakes.” For a long time, I had been saying, “God uses us in spite of our mistakes.” She was saying something different.

I had made a mess. A big sinful mess. And for a long time I wasn’t sure God loved me, cared about me, or would forgive me. I didn’t think anyone wanted to love me or talk to me ever again. I had alienated my family, the people close to me, a church, and people who cared about me.

Allison and I had made a decision. We were all the other wanted. And there we were. And I had doubts. I didn’t have doubts about me and Allison. I had doubts about whether God would have any use for me.

I started blogging. Now, let’s fast forward to today. I’ve learned a lot since those days. Those confusing days that ran together. I know that God doesn’t want us to sin. He doesn’t want His leaders to commit adultery.

I also know that I get a lot of emails from all kinds of people. Fallen pastors, churches whose pastors have fallen, fallen pastor’s bluewives, etc. It used to be one or two emails a week. Now its more like seven or eight a week. Guess what I tell them? I tell them what’s biblical. I tell them what’s loving. I tell them what I didn’t understand before. The things that are Christ-like and loving and compassionate.

I don’t affirm sin, but I love them. I reach out. I just listen and let God do His thing.

And in all of that, God uses me – uses us – because of our sin. I had a fallen pastor a few weeks ago call me. He started talking to me and my heart broke for him. And he sounded just like I did when I was spilling my guts out to a guy four years ago. Every story sounds almost exactly like every other story except the details change just a little. I stopped him for a moment and told him, “Hey, I understand – and let me ask you – were you feeling . . . ” and I gave him the four things fallen pastors usually feel and experience before they fall.

He stopped. He said, “It’s like you’re in my head.”

That’s right. I was. Because I’ve been there. I don’t like the fact that I’ve been there, but guess what? In some way, I’m glad I have been there. Because I get to minister to people that most pastors, denominations, churches, and leaders throw into the trash. When these guys have been cast aside, I get to talk to them. And know what? Not many people get them. In fact, no one really understands what it’s like to be a fallen pastor except a fallen pastor.

God uses me because of my sin. Broken, fallen, cast aside – He picked me up, looked at me and said, “I still have use for you. Let me put you back together and give you purpose.”

I cannot express to anyone how much I love the depths of the grace of God for that. And how one day I will be happy to simply fall at the feet of Christ and throw all I have – which will be the most stinky, worthless rags in the world – at His feet and thank Him.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

Four Reasons Ministry Marriages Fail

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, affair, marriage, ministry, prevention, wife | Posted on 19-02-2014

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lovingwifeWhen I tell regular church people that ministry marriages are often stressful and difficult, they find it hard to believe. Their disbelief extends even further when I tell the people in the pews that the most stressful issues between pastors and their wives is the ministry itself, they think I’m crazy.

When I tell the same thing to most active pastors or fallen pastors, they most often say, “You’re right.”

When I wrote my book, “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” I knew there were problems with a lot of ministry marriages, but when I did the statistical research, I was shocked myself. Here are a few stats that I dug up (full citations available in the book):

  • 80% of pastors and 84% of their spouses are discouraged and dealing with depression
  • More than 40% of pastors and 47% of their spouses report they are suffering from burnout, frantic schedules and unrealistic expectations
  • 77% of pastors said they felt they did not have a good marriage
  • 30% said they had either been in an ongoing affair or a one-time sexual encounter with a parishioner
  • 81% of pastors report insufficient time with their spouse
  • 64% report communication difficulty with their spouse
  • 46% report sexual problems
  • 80% of ministers believed pastoral ministry affected their families negatively
  • 33% believed ministry was a hazard to their family
  • 37% confessed to having been involved in inappropriate sexual behavior with someone in the church

So what’s happening? Sure, ministry is difficult and it comes at a price. There is persecution and weariness. But should it come at such a great cost to the minister? Is proper ministry supposed to be tearing apart the family?

I don’t believe so. I submit that it’s possible that what many pastors are doing isn’t what God equipped them to do. They’re frankly doing too much under their own power. They’re attempting to do the work of an entire church body when they’re only equipped to affairdo the work of the pastor or head elder.

In turn, the pastor spreads himself too thin, has little time for his family and wife and leaves himself open for marriage, ministry, and other types of failure.

I’d like to add a few more reasons why ministry marriages fail. There are things I’ve witnessed over the years that have happened which could be avoided or prevented.

1. Lots of pastors spend so much time doing the work of ministry that they forget about the why of ministry. They start doing programs and laboring so hard over contacts, visiting, networking and growth that they forget about the Christ who promised to build His church. They forget that in the beginning when they started, all they knew was that Christ called them – an imperfect person – to simply preach the Word. Somewhere along the way, things got added to the workload and they made things too difficult.

2. Lots of guys when they got married weren’t pastors. Therefore, their wives didn’t really marry a pastor. Now, I know what someone will say, “God equips the wife like he equips the man.” Listen, it’s a little harder than that. The stress and difficulty of being a pastor’s wife can be overwhelming. And when a woman marries a guy who one day is an over the road truck driver and the next he’s a preacher? Yeah, it can be a little confusing for his wife.

She’s going to need some help easing into that role with grace. She’s going to find her role that God has designed for her within the ministry – and it may not be the exact same as every other minister’s wife. Unfortunately, if she’s forced into a role unwillingly by a church, it can cause undue stress at church and in the home.

3. Sometimes, a ministry couple gets to a place where they just can’t talk about church anymore. I’ve talked to a lot of pastors whose wives have said, “Stop complaining to me about the people at church! They’re nice to me and all you do is complain!” Why does the pastor complain to his wife about problems at church? Honestly, he often has no one else to talk to or vent his problems to. And his wife does get weary of hearing him complain and puts a stop to it. Unfortunately what her husband hears is, “I don’t care about your problems. Go find someone else to talk to.” It’s never good when the ministry couple stops communicating.

sorrycoup4. Over time, there can become a lack of intimacy in the marriage. There are two types of intimacy that need to be maintained. First, spiritual intimacy. Many pastors can get so worn down spiritually during the week that they just don’t feel like having prayer time or spiritual time with their wife or family. And if spiritual intimacy is lost or they stop communicating, then physical intimacy will also suffer.

So what can be done? Pastors, if you’re in trouble, you may not even realize it. Too often, we’re trying to fix other people’s problems and we don’t realize that we have serious issues of our own. How is your marriage? Are you communicating with your wife? When was the last time you had a night out? Are you attracted to another woman? Do you treat your wife as well as you treat other women at church?

Has your wife ever warned you about spending too much time at work or shown concern that you might need help? Are you staying extra hours away from home because you dread going there? Are you increasingly angry at your family or find yourself aggravated more?

Friends, don’t let this get out of hand. Talk to a friend. Talk to a fellow pastor or an associational leader. I’m here and I’ll listen to anyone who needs help. If I can’t help I can probably find someone who can. There are others out there to listen. Be honest with your wife. But know that the worst thing you can do is ignore the problems.

*EDIT: I am sorry if you read this when George Washington’s farewell address was somehow posted at the end. Don’t ask me how that happened.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

A Nauseating Book You’ll Want To Read?

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, affair, book, forgiveness, holiness, pastors | Posted on 17-02-2014

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michnaus

This poor guy looks sick and LOST.

I’ve been blessed to be able to minister to all kinds of people for the past four years. After I fell from ministry, I felt pretty worthless. I always knew that God was gracious and could take His people and work things together for good, but I had no idea what He could do with the shattered pieces I had made of my own life.

Here I am, glory be to God, with a ministry that helps fallen pastors and those who are effected by the fall. In the middle of it, I had a book published by Civitas Press – “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World.” Again, God was the reason for everything.

It’s a book for anyone – people who want to learn how to forgive, fallen pastors, churches, leaders, etc. I’ve had a lot of great feedback about how people have been helped by it and how it made them understand things better. But I’ve also heard something over the past few years from a few people that bothered me at first.

A few said, “I found it sickening. I couldn’t get past the first part. You know, where you’re sharing the stories of other pastors who committed adultery. Sin is so sickening.”

I tell the stories of ten other pastors who besides myself, fell from the ministry. I’ve said it once on this blog and I’ll say it again – their/our sin was inexcusable. There were warning signs and things that led up to the adultery, but there was no excuse. The sin and consequences were all ours to bear.

The book has four sections. In the first section, I outline the problem. In the second, I tell the story that keeps repeating itself in fpour society of the fallen pastor. In the third section, I talk about the four most common issues that surround the pastor before he falls and that can serve as warning signs. Finally, in the fourth section, I ask, “How can this be prevented and how can the fallen pastor be restored?

I remember talking to one pastor who read the book. He was very angry with me. He told me how sickening the stories were, how it seemed like I was justifying sin, and how I never took credit for my sin. I was pretty patient with him for a while before I started reading specific sections to him out of the book where I made it clear I wasn’t trying to justify anything. In fact, chapter 18 is pretty damning on the fallen pastor as the consequences of his sin play out.

Those things aside, it is a true statement that sin is nauseating. It is most nauseating to God. As the holiest being in the universe, He is farthest away from it and cannot gaze upon it. The closer we are to Him, the more awful and disgusting sin will be to us. That is why we strive for sanctification and personal holiness. When we don’t, and when we distance ourselves from God, we cannot smell the stench of sin when we wallow around in it for a while.

I’m thankful for the men who shared their stories. Each of us were pastors who sat in a place where we were to rightly divide the word of truth, not just for a congregation, but for ourselves. But each of us sinned. We fell. We proved that we were no mightier than those who came before us and others will fall after us. Each time a pastor falls, the name of King David is invoked, not for the kingdom he built, or the bravery he showed, but for his adultery with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah.

Our stories are published in a book that won’t ever see the top 100 of the New York Times Bestseller List, but they are there. They are common, too common. Like the adultery of David, the disobedience of Moses, the drunkenness of Noah, or any of the sins of God’s people, we stand amongst them in shame. The good we did will never reach the heights of our heroes of old, but our shame will be compared in the same breath.

restorThankfully, there is hope for those of us whose sin is nauseating. It is true that God is totally “other” than sin and separate, but that did not keep Him from sending His Son into this world to save those who are sinners. Who amongst us is a sinner? All of us.

In a moment upon the cross of sin-bearing, in a moment of torture that was most definitely nauseating to the local observer, all that disgusting sin got washed away. Not because we deserved it, but because He graciously desired it.

Yes, there are consequences to sin. Earthly consequences. Church discipline is a reality for leaders, but it should always start with the spirit of Galatians 6:1, “Brothers, restore….” The Spirit of Christ should lead all of us to love as Christ loved the adulterous woman who was accused. His focus was on her, not the angry mob.

And no, those who sin will not always listen to us at first. Their sin may nauseate us. It may sicken us to the core. But what I’ve learned since my fall is that God poured out all His wrath over my sin upon His Son so that He might look upon me again and love me as His child. Behind all that nauseating sin is a person God is reaching out to and has a future for.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.