Fallen Pastor

Lately, both Allison and I have been ministering to fallen ministers and their significant others. A recurring theme has arisen in many of these conversations: “How angry is the ex-wife/husband in the relationship allowed to get?”

Obviously, I have experience in this arena. I hurt my ex horribly with my actions. Hurt is the emotion that arises first, then anger. Then, both of those actions work together in an often disastrous mix. I’m happy to say my former wife and I have a good relationship today.

The sin of adultery is one that cuts right to the core of humanity. Have I felt it? No, but I am the one who caused the hurt. Since my fall from ministry, I have talked to those who have been on both sides of the fence. I have heard stories of messy divorces, arguments in public, punches thrown, and angry things said to children. All of these are the consequences of sin.

The hurt doesn’t just extend to spouses. The hurt runs deep in the church as well. Weeks and months after the fall of the minister, church members hurt and anger can extend to gossip in the community, social media such as Facebook or personal altercations.

The fallen pastor may also take place in the lashing out process. He may engage in the same arenas of speaking out, justifying his actions, showing passive aggressive behavior, or getting defensive when approached.

All three of these groups show similar characteristics. All will probably say they are justified in their anger. The church, spouse and family of the spouse will point to the fallen pastor’s actions as the touchstone of their anger. It will continually be the reason for every angry action they take. “He’s the one who sinned. He caused all of this.”

The pastor who may or may not have asked for forgiveness from God may feel that he has been forgiven. He may say, “God has forgiven me, I’m moving on.”

To be sure, it is a difficult and anxious situation. I know that being in the midst of it is a continually stressful and awful time. For this blog post, I’m going to assume any range of possibilities – that the relationship between pastor and spouse could work out or that it could end in divorce. I pray that any situation be resolved. But I’d like to throw out some suggestions that might help for anyone on either side of the situation. (Also, as a disclaimer, I’m guilty of doing most of these things wrong.)

Christ calls us to be peacemakers. This applies to both sides. Being a peacemaker is not an easy thing. Especially when the other “side” is aggressive and angry. It’s especially difficult when you are also angry and want the other side to understand your position. But when you engage yourself into the position of peacemaker, you are taking upon yourself true humility.

To do so, you have to not allow things to escalate. Regardless of what someone says to you or how they say it, you must stay calm, even and at peace. Realize that peace doesn’t come from circumstances around you, but from Christ within you. Is it difficult? Yes, but it is possible.

Read more after the jump…

I was overwhelmed Wednesday by the reception I received from my blog post called, “Gay Marriage, the Church, and the Christ Response.” All the feedback I got was amazing and it was from both sides of the aisle. The post wasn’t really about gay marriage, but about how we should love as Christ loved.

I say that to say this – I wasn’t going to post anything about it, but my lovely wife Allison, had said something to me several times during the evening after I had received a Facebook inbox message asking me my opinion about it. After she had mentioned it, the lights came on about 2:00 in the morning and I started writing.

It ended up being the most viewed blog post I had ever written. I was kinda dumbfounded about the whole thing and I asked her why she thought it had done so well. She said, “You know how people were always trying to trap Jesus and he never answered the way they wanted him to? You answered the question perfectly.”

I don’t think I was worthy of a Jesus comparison, to be sure. But I got what she was saying. More than that, I cannot emphasize how much I love and appreciate my wife. She is my biggest fan. She said, “I just want people to read this post. I want the world to see it.”

She’s always like that. Whether I’m writing, counseling a fallen pastor, working, or whatever, she’s encouraging me.

Lately, I haven’t been living up to my potential, I think. She’s been honest with me about that. She knows that God has something better for me and she’s told me so. I love that about her too.

We always say that when one of us is down, the other one always seems to be up and able to help the other one. We fit so well together and I’m blessed to have her in my life.

I’m at a point where God is using me in a different way and to do a different type of ministry. I’m very thankful that I have a God who doesn’t give up on His people or His pastors when they fall.

I’m also thankful to have Allison at this time. A woman who I could not live without right now. A woman who understands this ministry I am engaged in to help those who fall, who understands my frustrations, my limitations, my pain, my grief and constantly puts up with me in spite of my glaring imperfections.

I’m proud of her for getting her blog up and going again. In her own right, she is ministering to a whole group of people I cannot reach. I know many times she thinks she is incapable or unworthy but she is amazing at what she does. Her heart is amazing and I am very proud of her.

The road that has led us to where we are now has been difficult, but it has also been rewarding. But I am glad I have been blessed by God with Allison.

Allison is my sweet wife of three years. We have both tread the path of holiness since our fall, trying to do what is right. Are we always perfect? Nope. But we are here to serve those who fall.

A while back she started a blog. It’s been inactive a while, but today, she wrote again, to tell our story.

If you are “the other woman,” or someone who just wants to understand, just follow this link. She wants to share her heart. Thanks. 

Seriously. This blog is biblically based. But it also has some warnings for everyone.

I’m going to start with my own story. For those of you who don’t know, I fell in the ministry. I was a pastor of a church and I committed adultery. Afterwards, I wrote a book about it and interviewed pastors, experts, counselors, looking for common signs, patterns and help for those who fall. It’s not a book for just pastors, but for church members, leaders and anyone who is tempted.

But what I want to blog about today is our social networking. Texting. Back in the day, men would write letters to their adulterous partners so they wouldn’t be discovered. Today? It’s so much easier. We have Twitter, Facebook, and texting. When a married man is really interested in a woman, all he has to do is have her number and he can text her.

In fact, I know a lot of men (including me), who talked to women they were interested in, saying suggestive things and before they got home to their wives, deleted the whole conversation.

It’s rampant. You don’t think it’s a problem? About a year ago, Rev. Cedric Miller told his congregation not to use Facebook.  Why? Because it was easy to “hook up” with former acquaintances and talk to them in a sinful manner. He’s got a point. Social media allows us to talk to people we don’t know who have all kinds of physical and emotional needs and we are tempted by them.

Here’s my honesty. Before I committed physical adultery, I was texting my lover. She’s my current wife. You can read all the details in my book. We started harmlessly texting day after day. We got on Yahoo chat and talked. Then, things accelerated.

I know I have a wide audience. Pastors, fallen pastors, wives of fallen pastors, regular people, whomever. Listen, the sin of adultery is right around the corner for everyone. Don’t think you’re immune. Because you’re not.

More after the jump….

In this series, I’m trying to address all of the people who are effected by the fall of a pastor. Not only that, I’m asking, what can everyone do in the wake of his fall?

I get emails each week from many different people; pastors who just fell, wives whose husbands fell, churches whose pastors fell, etc. – and most are in a state of panic. “What happens now? What am I supposed to do right now?”

There are no easy answers. There isn’t a handbook that gives a quick answer. I’d love to say the book I wrote has easy, fast answers for everyone to patch up the damage that has just been inflicted. But in the wake of a fall, it takes time, understanding, patience and a willingness to forgive.

Today’s article is  on a very sensitive topic – the devastated spouse. I feel completely unqualified to write this because as the fallen pastor, I hurt my former wife. I’m not going to discuss my previous relationship, instead, I will rely on the interviews I did for my book, “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” and the interactions I’ve had since then with people.

Read more after the jump.

Photo by Ilona Wellman, The Stranger

Thank goodness the temperature is dropping. I thought the summer of 105 degree heat indexes was going to last forever. I walked outside today to my favorite weather. High 70s to low 80s. Rain. I thought it was heavenly.

Change is good. Most of the time. Don’t tell that to a bunch of Baptists during a business meeting. Change usually means progress and forward movement. But change can also bring danger and sin.

I’ve talked to a lot of pastors since my own fall from ministry who were thinking of leaving their wives for another woman. For that matter, I’ve talked to non-pastors as well.

Typically, they sense something has changed in the relationship with their wife. That is the biggest factor. The problems may have begun years ago, but there comes a day where they just sense they want something else. For some men (or women) they find a relationship with someone that is completely different than they had with their spouse.

The new relationship is change. It starts out with conversation, texts, lunch dates and can easily accelerate. The new person offers them what their spouse didn’t give them. Change. Newness.

Now, this may sound ridiculous, but I’m throwing it out there. In my book, “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” I talk about factors that lead a pastor who never would have considered an affair before to the point of failure. I talk about isolation, church conflict, tragedy, and becoming idolized.

Those things do have a tremendous influence in the breaking down of the American pastor. Thom Rainer had a great article recently about depression and anxiety showing the stress pastors are under.

But there does come a day when the pastor makes his choice. And his choice is all his. Make no mistake, the reason he ultimately cheats is typically a bad relationship with his wife. I don’t write that to put it on his wife. Ministry can have a horrific impact on spouses and they need to work together to stay strong.

The danger is when the pastor begins to blame everything else for his ultimate failure. When he makes that choice, the season may have just changed and Spring may have just settled. In his mind, he may feel renewed and ready to start a new relationship. Does that sound strange? It shouldn’t. All of us who engage in sin look for justification for our sin.

We may blame our church for treating us so poorly. Yeah, things may have been bad at church, but church doesn’t drive

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us to commit adultery. We may have walked through grief, and that grief may have been horrific, but grief is not the direct cause of our fall.

Those are all factors that may push us in the direction in which we feel justified to sin. But in the end, we are typically unsatisfied with our spouse and pursuing our own desires.

There are two important things to remember. First, the pastor is human and vulnerable just like the rest of us to faulty thinking, sin, and bad relationships. Second, anyone who falls is worthy of restoration back to Christ. We are to pursue those who fall in love, in person, and encourage their repentance.

If they don’t repent? We don’t cast them into the trash heap of society. We still leave the door open. We still love them. Major sin has a huge effect on people and it may take years before they turn to God and pursue holiness again. Will they look exactly like they did before? No. But we are to forgive as Christ did.

The season is changing now. If you’re vulnerable, find out where. You may be vulnerable and not realize it. Find a friend to talk to. Pour out your frustrations and heart and get an objective view.

Let all your change be positive and pleasing to the Lord.

_____________________

Interesting article I found in researching for this blog post: http://www.divorcemed.com/Articles/ArticlesByDiane/Affairs.htm

This book can help you. But hear me out first. There was a stuggle that went before it. I was angry.

At least I was about this time three years ago. I had been caught in adultery. Man, was I angry. At a lot of people. And it was everyone’s fault.

I was angry at the head deacon. I went to him and explained to him what happened. Can you imagine that he was disappointed in me? Unbelievable! That he was disappointed that I would have comitted adultery after eight years of faithful service! What gives him the nerve? To kick me to the side like that?

I was angry. Pastor angry. Like the type of anger parishoners don’t know their pastors get.

More anger to come. From pastors in the area. Lord, help me. I had dozens of pastor friends in the area whom I had gone to seminary with and they had suddenly abandoned me! I had been kicked out of my parsonage and had to move to a rental home in Greenville, Kentucky, covered with cobwebs, and with a ghetto chouch. They didn’t care. Only two pastors and a director of missons reached out. No one cared. I take that back. The only friends I had suddenly were Mormons who were suddenly very friendly. And I was angry. People hated me. Guess whose anger it was? It was all mine. All the sin and anger belonged to me.

In the past two years, my estranged father had died. My mother, who had become my prayer warrior and primary support had been killed in a car accident. What was God doing to me? I had nothing left! The church was in an upheaval! I had nowhere to turn! Life was spinning out of control and I was a mess. And I found the love of my life.

Anger set in. It set in towards those who once had sat next to me in church. They were disappointed in me and my actions. I was alienated from them forever, I felt. I was the fallen pastor. I was an outcast. A sinner.

I began to call fallen pastors across the country. Do you know what they told me? “You’ll never reconcile with your former congregation, so give it up. You’ll never reconcile with your former congregation.” But I didn’t believe them. I was able to in many ways.

Guess what I did? I wrote a letter to them. It wasn’t well written. It was written with pride and I wish I could take it back.

Then, I sought real counsel. I began to blog. Anonymously. Through the name of Arthur Dimmesdale, I told my story online, anonymously. People responded. I told my story and what I had been through. Many people called me out on my sin and I listened. I heard them.

One day, I posted a blog about writing. A publisher came by and asked me if I would be interested in writing. I said I would. I wrote an essay under my pseudonym. Then, I wrote my book. I was overcome with thoughts about my mother who had written eight books on Christian topics. I wasn’t fit to fill her shoes.

I interviewed many fallen pastors, like myself. All of our stories were the same. We were isolated, stressed out, had intimacy issues with our spouses, and had been placed on a pedestal. What if the problems fallen pastors faced were a cultural issue? What if they can be prevented? I felt that there was hope to help others. So with Civitas Press and my editor, Jonathan Brink, I wrote a book.

I was still angry, but at whom? My ex-wife? No. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She and I get along wonderfully now. We agreed that on some level, we were both are fault. What about the church? I could get mad at the church, but pastors today face problems in churches that are worse than what I ever faced. What was I really angry at?

I was angry with myself. My inability to be something I wasn’t. I wasn’t able to meet people’s needs – the needs I thought I should be meeting. I thought I should be super pastor. I thought I was something I wasn’t. I wasn’t perfect and I hated myself for it. And at the end of it, I just wanted out.

When I look at pastors who cry for help, there are different kinds. I talk to many of my pastor friends today who are frustrated with ministry. They say that their families are suffering because of the ministry. Some get into embezzlement, pornography, or depression. Each of those men get help and are rehabilitated back into the ministry. But the pastors who really, really want out commit adultery. Those are the men who want out of the ministry. Out of it for good. I wanted out. And I got out. God help me.

But I will tell you this – three years later – I want to build a ministry for men who have fallen. I’m proud to say that I have a healthy relationship with my ex-wife. I have a great realationship with my current wife. I am able to minister to fallen pastors, their wives, and churches. God is not done with me quite yet.

Friends, what I’m saying is that our anger is a dead end. Our anger eventually finds itself at our own front door. Banging there. Incessantly. We can be as angry as we want with as many people as we want, but in the end, we are only angry at ourselves. Until we deal with the anger that we have within ourselves, we will never move forward. Good news? Christ has forgiven us. He has taken away the guilt for us. He has moved that anger away from us and set us free.

I have not been tossed upon the trash heap of society yet. I still stand here, waiting to be used by God as He sees fit. Angry? Yes. Angry at the sin that infiltrates our churches. Angry at the sin that is waiting at the door of our pastor’s studies. Angry at what pastors know is coming yet they turn a blind eye to it.

I’ve been there. And I have a batallion of men beside me who know the same. Don’t let it happen to you or your pastor. Ministry can weaken a ministry marriage. It can kill it. Be on the lookout for isolation, decreased time with your wife, high expectations, and conflict. Don’t let it weaken you to the point of ministry failure. Don’t become a statistic. Please. Reach out before it is too late.

The ministry is supposed to work to help the church, brighten your marriage and bring light to the world. Make sure it is doing all of those things. If it isn’t, seek help from a mentor, a counselor or a friend. Get help now.

I have been absolutely humbled today. Without revealing too much, I was contacted by the wife of a fallen minister. She asked me for some advice about how to handle the emotional maelstrom that accompanies the pastor’s fall.

Never, ever in a billion years did I think a former pastor’s wife would ever ask me for advice. Mostly because I don’t think I’m worthy of handing out advice to the representative population that I sinned against. But after a few minutes, I realized I might have a little insight. Not much, but a little. Like the man used to say, “What I don’t know could fill a warehouse.”

I hope people don’t think that just because I write primarily about the fallen pastor that I don’t care about everyone else involved. I’ve tackled the issues of those around the fallen minister before and know the damage that occurs. All of it matters.

The wife of the fallen pastor, first and foremost, doesn’t deserve what she suddenly has handed to her. In all the interviews I’ve done for my book – and in my own situation – all of us say the same thing – we are responsible for our sin. We did it. It was our choice. Were there circumstances that led up to it? Yeah. Sure, but we’re the ones who decided to sin. That’s first and foremost.

The wife of the fallen minister didn’t ask to have the scrutiny of the community suddenly fall into her lap. She didn’t ask for her family life to suddenly be shattered. Her life is devastated in a moment and what follows is confusion, hurt, sadness, pain and anger.

Without getting too complex, with a bit of experience behind me, knowing I can’t address all of the issues, here’s what I would say to the wife of the freshly fallen pastor, in most cases:

“I’m sorry this has happened to you. I don’t know where this is going to go from here. But I would give you three very serious pieces of advice. The first is this. Find wise counsel. I’m not talking about people you know who are hurt and angry. I’m talking about people who are distant from this situation who love God, love you, love your husband and are willing to walk through this with you. People who are willing to not choose sides but just love on you.

Secondly, love your children like you always have and do what you can to protect them. Your mothering instinct is natural. Your hurt and anger is about to explode soon. Don’t be afraid to let someone keep them for a few hours here and there so you can get away to get your mind clear. You’re a mom, but also be yourself.

Finally, you will know what to do by knowing what your husband does. This piece of advice isn’t mine, but from an expert I talked to. Don’t listen to his words, but watch his actions to see if he is going to be repentant. Make sure people are approaching him to give him a chance, don’t take that duty on yourself. But you’ll know soon whether he is or not. Give caring, Christian people time to find out his heart and his actions.”

There are a lot of hurt, fallen pastors out there friends. But there are an equal number of hurt wives of fallen pastors and their children. Don’t forget to pray for all of them.

I have been absolutely humbled today. Without revealing too much, I was contacted by the wife of a fallen minister. She asked me for some advice about how to handle the emotional maelstrom that accompanies the pastor’s fall.

Never, ever in a billion years did I think a former pastor’s wife would ever ask me for advice. Mostly because I don’t think I’m worthy of handing out advice to the representative population that I sinned against. But after a few minutes, I realized I might have a little insight. Not much, but a little. Like the man used to say, “What I don’t know could fill a warehouse.”

I hope people don’t think that just because I write primarily about the fallen pastor that I don’t care about everyone else involved. I’ve tackled the issues of those around the fallen minister before and know the damage that occurs. All of it matters.

The wife of the fallen pastor, first and foremost, doesn’t deserve what she suddenly has handed to her. In all the interviews I’ve done for my book – and in my own situation – all of us say the same thing – we are responsible for our sin. We did it. It was our choice. Were there circumstances that led up to it? Yeah. Sure, but we’re the ones who decided to sin. That’s first and foremost.

The wife of the fallen minister didn’t ask to have the scrutiny of the community suddenly fall into her lap. She didn’t ask for her family life to suddenly be shattered. Her life is devastated in a moment and what follows is confusion, hurt, sadness, pain and anger.

Without getting too complex, with a bit of experience behind me, knowing I can’t address all of the issues, here’s what I would say to the wife of the freshly fallen pastor, in most cases:

“I’m sorry this has happened to you. I don’t know where this is going to go from here. But I would give you three very serious pieces of advice. The first is this. Find wise counsel. I’m not talking about people you know who are hurt and angry. I’m talking about people who are distant from this situation who love God, love you, love your husband and are willing to walk through this with you. People who are willing to not choose sides but just love on you.

Secondly, love your children like you always have and do what you can to protect them. Your mothering instinct is natural. Your hurt and anger is about to explode soon. Don’t be afraid to let someone keep them for a few hours here and there so you can get away to get your mind clear. You’re a mom, but also be yourself.

Finally, you will know what to do by knowing what your husband does. This piece of advice isn’t mine, but from an expert I talked to. Don’t listen to his words, but watch his actions to see if he is going to be repentant. Make sure people are approaching him to give him a chance, don’t take that duty on yourself. But you’ll know soon whether he is or not. Give caring, Christian people time to find out his heart and his actions.”

There are a lot of hurt, fallen pastors out there friends. But there are an equal number of hurt wives of fallen pastors and their children. Don’t forget to pray for all of them.

I was perusing my Google statistics the other day and was examining what people were searching for. It interested me and shamed me at the same time.

“How to minister to a fallen pastor”

“Reconciling with a fallen pastor”

“After a pastor falls, how do you forgive him”

“What to say to a fallen pastor”

I’ve been writing this blog for almost a year and haven’t hardly covered any of these topics directly. Maybe I wasn’t ready to give advice in these matters. Maybe I was still too bitter or angry to attempt to advise church members in these areas. I’ve written on common characteristics of a fallen pastor and forgiveness, but not how to help the fallen pastor.

Now, I believe I am ready to give advice to those whose pastors have fallen morally.

I can guarantee you that there is a plethora of experts out there with PhDs who are certified to give you better advice. But they are not fallen pastors. I am. I can tell you as a fallen pastor, who has spoken with other fallen pastors what I needed to hear. What would have helped me or what I would have listened to.

I can’t break it all down in one post either. And I can’t really make it into a system that you can apply in one simple way. It may not work every time. Each fallen pastor’s heart is different. You are different. Each church member reacts differently to their fallen pastor. All I can do is give you a guideline to follow.

The best thing to remember is that we’re all human. Faulty. And your pastor, fallen or not, is a sinner. If he has already fallen, remember that he is human and exposed. And one day, you may be where he is.

I want to tell you what to do before your pastor falls.

Let me tell you about me for a moment. This isn’t self-aggrandizing. Two years before my fall, I was named pastor of the year in our association. Big deal. However, I was a pastor on the rise. My church loved me. Despite our small issues, I was seen as invincible. We had programs that were great, we were growing fast and we had a lot to be proud of.

No pastor is untouchable. I’ve had conversations with just about every pastor I know who has told me that he has been approached by women for sex. No joke. That wasn’t the case for me and Cynthia. Our love was born out of respect and need. However, I know many pastors of large churches who have been approached by “groupies.”

In seminary, we were told that upwards of 65% of pastors struggle with pornography. I think that number is much higher. At one point in my ministry, I struggled with it as well. I confessed it at one point to Angelica and overcame it. Why do pastors struggle with it? Many times, pastors give and give and give, and never receive. Pornography is an easy take. It is a cheap way to receive.

Pastors spend the vast majority of their week giving out of their time and energy. Do you remember the last time you asked your pastor for something? Of course. But do you remember the last time you asked your pastor when you could do something for him? When you sent him a card? Or encouraged him? And I’m not talking about saying, “good sermon.” A sincere, “Did you know that you changed my life? And here’s how you did it ____________.”

Pastors struggle. Bad. They fight the good fight all week. Praying, visiting, doing what they need to do for the church when the members aren’t even thinking about the church. And when Sunday comes, people show up and start complaining about what isn’t being done right. Or they complain about this and that. It’s disheartening.

When was the last time you said something nice to the pastor’s wife? Or his children? They need love. So much. When was the last time you said, “Pastor, let me watch your children so you and your wife can go out on a DATE.” A date. Did you know that a large number of pastors and their wives aren’t as happy as they seem? I’m not saying that because I couldn’t keep my marriage together. It’s the truth.

I’m saying that because I know many pastors NOW who are miserable in their marriages. They are struggling to find time for their wives and children. Do you love your pastor and his family? Give him and his family your time. Better yet, make sure your pastor and his family have at least three weeks off PAID vacation every year. Yeah, I said it. Pay for them to go to Disney every year.

Make sure that the spiritual leader of your community can clear his head and go. If someone in the church dies or gets sick while he’s gone – don’t tell him. Don’t call him. Let him and his family go.

If your pastor is any kind of man at all, he’ll be so worried about the church that he’ll insist that you tell him. Don’t. Send him once a year on a cruise with his wife.

This is how you save your pastor and his marriage. This is how you love him and his family. This is how you let him breathe. Don’t let him bury himself in “work.” He needs love and attention from his congregation. Don’t let him worry himself sick over details. Let him be a man.

Ironically, my former mother-in-law had a bumper sticker that said, “Pray For Your Pastor.”

I’m not sure Angelica prayed for me daily. Even if she did, it’s not her fault that everything fell apart.

I’ll tell you this, though. Whether your church is 10 members or 1,000 members, if all of your people pray for your pastor daily, hold him accountable lovingly, you will have done all you can to keep him from sin.