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Would You Let King David Preach At Your Church?

“Quick, Marty, we need a supply minister. Let’s go get King David!” Good question. Answer it quick. Right now. In your mind. Yeah, it’s hypothetical. Would you let King David, if he were available right now – to preach one Sunday morning service in your church? Yes. You...

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3 Ways a Pastor Can Avoid Being Judgmental

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in judgmental, pastors | Posted on 28-07-2014

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When I was researching for my book, I found a common characteristic in a lot of pastors who had fallen from the ministry. Many of them had a twinge of judgmentalism. Some of them (like me) just thought they were being biblical and saw things as black and white all the time. Most of them did not realize that there was a difference in understanding the truth of Scripture and applying it with love and compassion.

In the years since my fall, I’ve had time to talk to a lot of fallen pastors and I keep in touch with guys who are still doing the work of pastor. lawnI’d like to offer 3 quick tips on how to avoid being too judgmental.

Don’t be the expert about other people’s lawns. Once in a while, I get behind the owner of a local landscaping service while he drives home. He doesn’t watch the road much. Instead, he looks at other people’s lawns and shakes his head in pity a lot. One of the traps pastors can fall into is becoming too concerned about how other pastors are doing at their respective churches.  Some guys can have a tendency to bash another pastor’s work when things aren’t going well at his own church. This just causes divisiveness and bitterness. We really need to be concerned about our own lawns.

Don’t launch scud missile sermons. I heard a guy use this term during a breakout session at a pastor’s conference. He basically said, “When we get frustrated with the sin of someone in the church or angry with a deacon, sometimes we take matters into our own hands and launch a little scud missile sermon at them. We preach a sermon directed just at them and what we think they’re doing. And what usually happens is that they either don’t show up that Sunday or don’t realize we’re preaching at them.” If we are concerned about sin, that’s biblical. But we need to consider handling it privately first.

Look beyond the sinner and find Christ. I was very judgmental as a pastor. I thought upholding God’s law and practicing harsh church discipline were pleasing to Him. I thought Christ wanted a pure church and that those were the means to do it. Somewhere along the lines, I got mean about it. But church discipline isn’t mean. It’s restorative. We’re supposed to be Christ-like when we run across a major sin. Part compassion, part encouraging to repentance, and part waiting for God to act upon their heart.

Pastor, you may not realize that you struggle with this. Ask some of your close friends. Ask your wife. Better yet, allow Scripture to move upon your heart and look upon the works and words of Christ as your guide.

Other helpful articles:

What is the difference between discernment and being judgmental?” at Bible.org

What’s the difference between judging and being judgmental?” Church of the Holy Comforter

The Responsibility to Rebuke,” by John MacArthur

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

Men Who Smell Like Pigs: Restoring Fallen Pastors

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in fallenness, forgiveness, pastors, reconciliation | Posted on 23-07-2014

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repentaI’ve been ministering to fallen pastors for over four years now through my book and this blog. It’s been a unique joy and blessing. Recently, I’ve been taking the stance that all churches, members and leaders need to be more involved with taking care of a pastor when he falls from the ministry due to sexual immorality. Even though these men smell like pigs.

Let me explain.

Today, I’m not going to give you reasons why we should because I’ve done that before. I want to share with you one of the most rewarding things that happens when you care for and pursue a fallen, sinful pastor – you get to see and share in his restoration.

And so you’ll know what I mean by restoration – I mean to be restored to Christ. Will a fallen pastor ever be restored to ministry? Can we restore the fallen pastor? That’s a different topic. When a man has fallen from the pulpit and sinned, he needs to focus on a right relationship with Christ first. Because his relationship with Christ went wrong way before his marriage or church relationship ever started failing.

There are two types of fallen pastors. Both guys typically get kicked to the curb by their churches. But the first type has a little bit of hope to get some help by his association or his church.

The first type is the pastor who gets caught red-handed. His sin is discovered and his is approached with it by his wife or leaders of the church. His response is an almost immediate desire to do what is right and repent. He may not have a heart full of repentance right away. He may still have lingering, sinful desires – but you have to remember his adultery went on for a while. But if he shows any signs of wanting to break free, he needs your help.

The first type reminds me of Peter when Christ restored him in John 20. Jesus asked him three times if he loved him and jesusandpetePeter answered three times that he did. “Lord, you know I love you.”

The tricky thing about a newly fallen pastor is that he may think he can fix himself. Any pastor who falls needs a group of people around him to help restore him, work through his sin and toward brokenness. I write about brokenness in my book and on this blog. It is essential that any man who has fallen from the pulpit come to a point where they understand the devastation their sin caused and run back to God. Dr. Hershael York helped me understand this point while I was working on my book.

If a man refuses to be guided by a group of other Christians or be accountable, that’s a huge red flag. I’ll be honest – in my experience and after talking to others who deal with fallen pastors across the country – restoration to Christ and true brokenness takes at least a year and possibly up to 18 months. God takes His time in dealing with the hearts of His people and I’m glad He does. He does it lovingly and patiently. But there does come a moment when he breaks us.

Of all the fallen pastors I’ve talked to who have been restored, most of them remember the day God broke them. They can remember the day their sin became real. It was part of a process. Most of those moments are very personal, but God does work on our hearts.

The second type of fallen pastor is the one hardly any church, association, other pastor, family member or denominational leader wants to deal with. It’s the pastor who commits adultery, won’t listen to anyone, gets a divorce from his wife and is gone. We need to be intentional about restoring fallen pastors. Now, there is typically more story in there that no one will ever hear or want to hear, but the bottom line is this – here is a guy who sinned, got kicked out of church and home, and no one wants to deal with him.

I believe we must reach this man too. I was this man. When these men email me, they have my full, undivided attention. Know why? Because I’ve noticed in this group, there is a trending rate toward self-abuse, depression and self-hatred. When is it okay to push a sinning pastor to the side and let him go?

I can’t do it. I don’t ever condone his sin, but I will forever be his friend. Know why? Because I believe that one day, God can and will do something to radically change his heart to restore the fallen pastor. And when he does, I don’t want that pastor to say, “No one in the church believes in me. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.

sonfatherI hate stretching parables out and making more of them than we’re supposed to, but I’m going to.

Imagine the prodigal son, who has wasted his father’s wealth and now finds himself among the pigs. He stinks like a pig. He is helpless and hopeless. The Bible says that the son “came to himself.” That is what happens to many fallen pastors after a period of weeks, months or years. I’ve seen it. They snap out of it.

Anyway, the pig-smelly son decides to go back to his father’s house and attempt to at least get a job there. But we all know what happens. His father runs to meet him, not welcoming him back as a second class citizen, but as his son. See, the father didn’t embrace him and say, “Boy, where have you been for the past twelve weeks? You smell like pig!” Regardless of where the son had been, or where he had been dwelling, or how he smelled, he was still his son.

Cue the rest of the parable (that never gets preached on) and we find the older brother who is angry. He’s angry because he’s always been there for dad. But dad decided to throw a party because they found the pig-smelling son who ran off and spent money. The older son is indignant. The father says, “Son, you should rejoice because what was once lost is now found.” No, the older brother isn’t having that. He’s angry. He’s always been there. His brother ran off like a little jerk. Now he comes back smelling like a pig and he gets a party.

Point? I love all the fallen pastors who come my way, regardless of how they smell. In fact, I don’t even notice the smell. I know eventually, God is going to grab hold of them and take care of them. Restoration to Christ is really God’s job, I just get to help facilitate that. And it’s an overwhelming joy and honor

But it should be happening in the communities where these men live. And I pray someday it will.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

Would You Let King David Preach At Your Church?

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in church, churches, fallenness, pastors, preaching, restoration | Posted on 21-07-2014

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delorean

“Quick, Marty, we need a supply minister. Let’s go get King David!”

Good question. Answer it quick. Right now. In your mind.

Yeah, it’s hypothetical. Would you let King David, if he were available right now – to preach one Sunday morning service in your church?

Yes. You would.

If you had hold of a DeLorean equipped with a flux capacitor, you would.

Why? Because he’s King David for crying out loud. Killed Goliath. Fought bears and lions. Was a man after God’s own heart. Heck, he fled when he knew he was the rightful man to be on the throne and was gracious to Saul. He loved his own son Absalom when Absalom wanted him dead. What a guy, right? Out of his lineage came our own Savior, Jesus Christ.

Oh, but wait. David has a mixed history. He had some wives. Some concubines. He committed murder and adultery.

I was talking to someone a while back that gave me some great insight on David. He said, “Despite David’s sin, he was always a man after God’s own heart. People would always judge him for his actions, but God always loved him for who he was.

David had struggle after struggle. Many of those struggles were his own fault. He sinned greatly, like many of the people we cherish in Scripture. Yet God showed them favor. Yet many pastors would allow David behind the pulpit to preach a sermon for one Sunday, wouldn’t we?

I ask that for an important reason. There are a lot of men who have fallen from the ministry. Since I fell almost five years ago, I have spoken to hundreds of them by text, email or phone. I have spoken to their wives, their church members or their families. I have referred them to others for help.

Some of them, like myself, did not reconcile with our first wife for whatever reason. Here’s a question, what wife was David supposed to reconcile with? Don’t hear me making a justification argument for my sin. I sinned. And I’ve made that very clear. Every fallen pastor I’ve dealt with and interviewed in my book takes complete blame for their sin.

But each man either reconciled with their wife or moved on. Even if they didn’t reconcile, they eventually found forgiveness from God and decided to walk a path of holiness from that point forward. The eggs had been broken and scrambled. There was nothing to be done.

Each of these men, like myself, had discovered that God is gracious beyond what we deserve. We don’t deserve to wake up in the morning. We don’t deserve God’s grace.

For the fallen pastor who has been restored, many of them have had a chance to tell their story from the pulpit. They’ve had a chance to preach or talk to a congregation. This isn’t the same as restoring them back to the pastorate – it’s giving them a chance to talk about the grace they’ve been shown and to talk about the grace and mercy of Christ.

The question is, “Would you let a fallen pastor who has been restored preach in your church?”

Since my fall and my restoration, I’ve had grace extended to me by several pastors. They have allowed me to preach. I’m not asking to be restored to the pastorate, but I was given grace to speak at their churches. Let me tell you what I discovered.

First, I found that my preaching was filled with more grace and love than I ever had when I was a pastor. Before my fall, I was more judgmental and harsh than I was after. After I fell, I preached from my heart, but still from the word, but with compassion for the hearts of the people.

Second, I found that people connected with someone who had fallen so far. People in the congregation want their pastor to be of high regard and of high moral standards. That’s the way it should be. When I spoke, I told them of the dangers of sin, the dangers of wandering from God, and my own story. I told them of the importance of holiness and how Christ loves us despite our sin.

What I’m saying is that inviting a restored fallen pastor into your pulpit isn’t much of a danger. In fact, it can be helpful to you and your congregation. Talk to him first, face to face. Find out what he has to say. Hear his story and his journey.

The first time I preached after my fall, I wasn’t sure what to think. But I preached on John 8, the woman caught in adultery. I was very clear about what I had done and about how awful sin is. But I also spoke about the compassion and forgiveness of Christ.

That Sunday, three people responded. One was a woman who had been committing adultery with a man for eight years. She broke it off that week and was baptized by the pastor the following week. The next was a visiting church deacon who confessed he had committed adultery. Finally, another deacon who wanted to talk to me about his adultery. I praise God for that. I had little to do with it.

I had someone say to me, “I love our pastor and I hear what he has to say, but your story touched me because you’ve been through it.

Almost every time I preach, I have people come up to me and say, “I need help. I’ve been where you were and I want help.

Friends, I don’t like the fact that I’ve been through it. But I’ve been forgiven. And I guarantee you that there are men around you that have stories to tell that can help those in your congregation.

Do we really believe that God works all things together for those who love Him? Pastors allow all kinds of people to share their testimonies, but it seems the ones we don’t allow are pastors who have committed adultery. The ones we want to kick off into the shadows and forget.

I’ll tell you this – I speak with fallen pastors every day. God has not forgotten them. They have sinned greatly. But God is not done with them. And their voices, once restored, can help many people in a great way.

Other helpful articles:

How To Prepare When You’re The Pulpit Supply” by Joan Huyser-Honig

Lessons Learned About Pulpit Supply” by Ed Eubanks

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

“You Can’t Unscramble The Egg”

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, consequences, pastors, prevention | Posted on 16-07-2014

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I just can’t believe one indiscretion has led to all of this. I’m about to lose my wife, my family and my ministry.eggs4

His voice was panicked. I could tell he would give anything to go back and undo his sin, but he couldn’t. I had talked to hundreds of pastors in his situation. He had been caught, his wife knew, the church knew. He had been caught up in a series of emotions and a relationship that had spiraled out of control.

Like most relationships pastors get into outside of their marriage, it starts so small they don’t even see the trouble coming. They don’t see that they are emotionally troubled. Things begin to happen and then they begin with emotional adultery, then they may or may  not cross the physical line.

I remember the first time I heard the line, You can’t unscramble the egg. I was 13. I was hooked on John MacArthur sermons. My parents had a treasure trove of his sermons and I had become part of the cassette tape lending service. It was a sermon on “Divorce and Remarriage.”

MacArthur is one of those guys who is so black and white. And I remember when he got to talking about what people should do when someone is divorced, remarried and there is no chance for reconciliation. That’s when I first heard the term. He wasn’t condoning any sin. He was doing his best to describe the situation when a line has been crossed and you can’t put things back together.

That’s the line that pastors cross when they commit emotional or physical adultery. There’s no going back. That’s why I can’t tell guys enough, “Don’t do it. Once you cross over, there’s no going back and undoing all the damage.

“You can’t unsqueeze the lemon”

I’ll get a call from a pastor once in a while who will ask, “But no one but me knows. No one but me and the woman I was with. It will just hurt my wife if I tell her. It will tear the church apart. Won’t I just be doing worse damage if I let others know about this?

lemonsThere’s dangerous thinking here. The problem with it is that it sounds good on the surface. It sounds noble – like we’re trying to save people from being hurt. See, I’ve been in that situation so I know what’s really going on. What we’re really trying to do is save face. We’ve committed sin and we don’t want to get caught. Why? Because we stand to lose everything. (I have blogged about this before in a couple of different articles that you should read if you haven’t before.)

The other side of it is that we are trying to conceal sin. God doesn’t stand for concealing sin. All sin will be brought to daylight. We can’t hide any of it. Ask King David.

The best thing any of us can do is start telling the truth. But that’s not exactly easy, is it? Because for months, we’ve been practicing lies. We’ve been practicing deceit. We’ve been hiding emails, text messages, secret meetings and doing a pretty good job at it. And when we get caught, our first instinct is to keep lying. But the best thing to do is to start telling the truth. And it’s hard. It’s gut wrenching. But it’s the best policy.

“You can’t unbite the cookie”

The answer to a multitude of deceit is not more deceit. Pastors should know this. When we were pastors and someone came to us and said, “I’ve been lying about something.” What would our counsel be? It would be, “You need to start telling the truth.

See, we know the Scriptures, that’s why it’s so hard to talk to ministers so often. John 8:32 tells us a very serious

Image courtesy of thegunnysack.com

Image courtesy of thegunnysack.com

truth: “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.

It’s very difficult when we have dug such a deep hole and find ourselves at the bottom of it. When telling the truth means hurting those we love, losing the job we have fought for, finding disgrace, being embarrassed, and knowing that we have forsaken the calling of God.

But I’m going to shed some light here. God desires repentance. When we walk in sin, He wants us to return. Christ does value us, He loves us greatly and loves us deeply.

Telling the truth will be hard, it will make others hurt, but the lemon has been squeezed, the damage has already been done. It’s now a matter of deciding to repent and trust God in all things. Knowing that when He says He will restore us back to Him, He really means it.

Other helpful articles:

Think Twice Before You Commit Adultery” from The Good News Presbyterian Church

How to Confess Adultery to Your Spouse” by Dr. Don Dunlap, Pastoral Counselor

How Can I Heal My Marriage After Committing Adultery?” by John Piper

What Happens When the Worship Leader Commits Adultery?” by Roger Barrier

*Thanks to thegunnysack.com for the picture – it worked perfectly for the blog picture. The blog is run by Tonia who has all kinds of recipes and other great stuff. I ran across the pic doing an image search for what I needed for this blog post. The recipes there look great. That picture was for Ice Cream Filled Chocolate Chip Cookie Bites.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

Dr. Heath Lambert on Preventing Moral Failure

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in counseling, fallenness, heath lambert, interview, pastors, prevention | Posted on 14-07-2014

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lambertI had the pleasure of sitting down with Dr. Heath Lambert recently and discussing several topics including temptation, biblical counseling, preventing ministry failure, and lust. Dr. Lambert is the assistant professor of Biblical Counseling at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He’s also the Executive Director of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. He’s also author/co-author of several books, including “Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace.

Introduction

Dr. Lambert and I began by talking about statistics of fallen ministers and his impression of them:

The statistic I have heard for a long time is that one-fifth or 20% of ministers will leave the ministry due to some form of moral failure. Those empirical numbers are not what matter to me the most. What matters to me the most is when you’re sitting there talking to a man and his wife who have just been devastated from leaving the ministry or talking to a woman who has been involved with a pastor.

So the 20% is a big number but when I have people talking to me, that’s when I feel the real weight of it.

Preventing Ministry Failure

One of the most important topics that we discussed was how to help pastors prevent ministry failure. We discussed this idea for biblical counselors and it is also relevant for anyone in ministry. For that matter, all Christians should be aware of the situations and temptations that we face.

Dr. Lambert discussed two types of prevention. First, he discussed external prevention. Safeguards we can place on our lives to prevent failure. These include having accountability, having an open door policy, and having a right relationship with your wife.

Prevention for ministers and biblical counselors:

External Prevention

- Have an office with windows so others can look in

- Avoid long-term counseling with the opposite sex

1 Timothy 5 tells us to engage with women in ministry so I do meet and counsel women. I’m a woman’s pastor just as I am a man’s pastor. But it’s important to avoid ongoing counseling with the opposite sex. There’s a difference between ‘I’m going to meet with you a couple of times so I can find out what’s going on’ vs. meeting with a member of the opposite sex in an ongoing counseling relationship.

- Don’t meet with just one spouse for marriage counseling

One thing I say to people is, if you’re only meeting with the husband or wife by themselves, it’s not marriage counseling.

- Don’t meet with a woman without having another woman nearby

Dr. Lambert has an open door policy. He has a female staff member near the door who is aware of the counseling going opendooron. He recommends in a church setting having a staff member outside the door or having a woman sit in the counseling session with you.

- Keep your wife informed

As soon as you start being aware that you’re meeting with a woman and that you’re not telling your wife about it or you’re not telling her about things happening in the meeting, you need to know there’s a problem. I’m not talking about things that are privileged information either. Some things that happen in counseling situations that need to stay confidential. But there may be times when a person you’re counseling texts you or says something that you want to keep from your wife. If that’s happening, there is a problem.

- Listen to your wife

There have been four or five times when my wife has been more aware of situations of trouble that I might have been getting into than I was.” (Dr. Lambert and I agreed to call it women’s intuition). “She has seen things coming before I have. I have learned to listen to her and her wisdom. She is just a better judge of character than I am. She’s been right every time.

- Be an open book with your wife

My wife isn’t nosy. My email is just right there. She uses my phone. I’m not doing anything to hide from her. We live life openly and don’t have any secrets. There is one woman I have to make happy in the world and that’s my wife.

- Have others you are accountable to

There are four guys I am accountable to. They know everything about me. If they wanted to write a tell-all book about me, they could do it. These are guys I tell every struggle and thought to. Things I don’t even necessarily share with my wife first. I might share with them that I am struggling with lust or dishonesty. They help me to see weak spots and share things with me in the most honest and candid manner.

- Make your wife a point of conversation

“I’m not going out of my way to talk about her. I’m leading with my wife in conversation. She’s on my mind. The women that know me and work with me know that there’s no room in my life for them. Which is what they should think.”

Internal Prevention

External prevention is helpful, but for a Christian to avoid temptation and moral failure, it cannot end there. The soul must be on guard and a person’s relationship with Christ must be pursued along with personal holiness.

Dr. Lambert: “The reality is that you can do all those things and still commit adultery. You can put a window in your office door and still commit adultery. You can give up on your commitment to value your wife as soon as you meet a pretty girl in a restaurant out of town. You can create a private email or buy a second cell phone. You can give the appearance of having accountability if you want.

God is honest about the temptation, he’s honest about the fallout, but He doesn’t just talk about the forbidden woman . . . but He also talks about this perfect picture of your wife. That’s an invitation for us to fight, to treasure our wives.

The battle is won or lost at the level of our intentions. What do I intend to do with women? I think about that in a couple of ways. One thing I try to do is urge men to get close to Jesus. Nobody ever committed adultery or got found in some persistent problem with adultery when they were nurturing intimacy and closeness in their walk with Jesus Christ.

One of the things I am praying every single morning is ‘Jesus will you give me you? Will you make me like you? Will you give me passion for you?’ Because when Jesus is filling up your heart, he’s defining the categories of your heart. And he’s defining what there is and is not room for in your heart.

The Allure of Temptation

Dr. Lambert said he prayed for several things every day in his pursuit for Christ including purity and a better relationship with his wife. In doing so, a Christian is insulating themselves from lust but also turning their hearts toward their wives.

In Proverbs 5 and 7, there’s a sense in which the author is very honest about the forbidden woman. She’s very tempting. She’s got an attractive offer for you. Her husband is out of town, he’s not coming back for a month, she’s decorated her house, she’s put some perfume on, and come, let’s take our fill of love. She’s not telling you this is going to be the least thrilling thing you’ve ever done. She’s not saying, “everyone you know is going to find out, your ministry is going to be over.” She’s saying, “you’re going to have the time of your life.”

temptationIn Proverbs 5 and 7, God is very honest about seduction. But God is very honest that if you follow her, you’ll be like an ox led to the slaughter.

God is honest about the temptation, he’s honest about the fallout, but He doesn’t just talk about the forbidden woman, but back in the 20’s of Proverbs 5, He says ‘start thinking about your wife.’ He says, ‘let her breasts satisfy you. Rejoice in her love.’ So He gives you this true picture of this thing to fight against but He also talks about this perfect picture of your wife. That’s an invitation for us to fight, to treasure our wives.

Fighting Temptation By Focusing on Your Wife

You’ll hear some guys say when you’re looking at a woman with lust, ‘bounce your eyes.’ I want to do that, I want to look away, but I also want to bounce my heart. So, I’m trying to cultivate with discipline of bouncing my eyes, ‘no, not that,’ but to do more. And to think about what my wife does that makes me happy. Think about what she does that encourages me. Think about what I would like our life to be like in 30 years.

Another thing I’m doing is looking for opportunities to nurture the affections in my heart for her. So I have on my iPhone a set of songs that I will only listen to if I promise to only think about her. If I am feeling really frustrated with her, rather than just feel frustrated with her, I’ll plug my iPhone into the car and start thinking about my wife. We’re structured so music strikes a chord with our affections. So I’ll just listen to George Strait, “Carried Away,” and start thinking about my wife.

I also have five things about my wife that are awesome that I think about when I’m frustrated with her or if I’m tempted. These are things that are true of her that are true of no one else and they stir my heart.”

A Right Relationship With Other Women

The next thing is that in the 1 Timothy 5 sense it says we are to treat women with all purity. There are two relationships described in Scripture we are to have with women. The first is with our wives as described in Song of Solomon.

The other one is the sisterly relationship. I find that every time you look at a woman, every time you engage with a woman, you are making a choice about what’s going to motivate your looking at her. About what is going to motivate your interacting with her. Is my interaction with you, my conversation with you, my looking at you motivated by lust or some kind of desire to impress you to have this be something other than it is? Or is it motivated by loving you as a talkingsister with all purity?

I don’t have a sister, but I have a daughter. And I have affection for both. But the difference is daylight and dark between the types of affection. So I have a gut check when I have a conversation with another woman, I ask, ‘What’s motivating my looking at you?’ And if I’m aware that I’m motivated by something other than sisterly purity, then I know in that moment to say, ‘Lord, forgive me, give me grace to be motivated by sisterly purity as I engage with this woman.’

Having the Right Intentions

Those motivations are where the battle is won or lost. I’m for windows in the door and all that, they’re all important, but ultimately, if you’re not motivated by sisterly purity but by the lust of the eyes, then all of the windows, and accountability won’t matter.

But if you are motivated by sisterly purity and a woman is in a mind to commit adultery and there is no window in the door, you’re not going to fall in that moment. Why? Because you’ve spent time cultivating the idea, ‘you’re not for me, my wife is, and this wouldn’t honor Jesus.’

For pastors seeking to be educated and stronger in biblical counseling, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary has distance and on-site learning classes available. For any church member looking to strengthen their counseling base, The Association of Biblical Counselors has weekend and other programs to train you to be effective in your congregation.

Other helpful links:

Interview with Heath Lambert on ‘Finally Free” by Grant Castleberry

Dr. Heath Lambert’s Testimony

Porn, Pride, and Praise: An Interview with Heath Lambert” by Desiring God

If you have been moved by Dr. Lambert’s words and need help, please take time to purchase his book, “Finally Free: Fighting for Purity With the Power of Grace.”

Special thanks to my friend and mentor, Dr. Hershael York, for making this interview possible.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

“Ye Which Are Spiritual”: Guest Blog by Bobby Sutton

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in book, churches, pastors, restoration | Posted on 11-07-2014

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bobbyToday, I’m pleased to let my new friend Bobby Sutton write what is on his heart. I recently wrote a review about his book that I encourage you to read. He has a heart for the restoration of fallen pastors back to Christ and he has a very important message about fallen pastors who still have a calling in this world. His post reads like a call to every fallen pastor and every person who wants to see the current situation in our churches change for the better. I know you will find his words encouraging and challenging.

Ye Which are Spiritual

by Bobby Sutton

Paul said to the church at Galatia that if a man be overtaken in a fault (sin) then the spiritual are the ones who are to be instrumental in a restoration process (Galatians 6:1). I am a fallen pastor. Fifteen years and four months ago, I had an affair and the aftershocks have continued through the years.

With 25 years of ministry gone, and the collapse of a 35 year marriage and in the process of finding my way back to a relationship with God, I have not encountered many of “the spiritual.” Quoting from my book “I Slept With Potiphar’s Wife” chapter eight on restoration concerning Galatians chapter six:

“According to Jamieson, Fausset and Brown commentary the word restore in Greek is katartizete is used of a dislocated limb being put back in place, According to other Greek authorities the word refers to setting bones, mending nets. The instructions are clear as to how we are to treat ‘fallen’” brothers and sisters. We are to treat them with the same tenderness a physician would treat a broken patient. I think the key words are ‘ye which are spiritual.’

“You can throw a hand grenade into a room full of people and then criticize the way that they react, but unless you are in the room, you do not have the right to complain about their reaction. I threw the grenade and I did criticize some of the reaction. I was astonished to find that most of the people I had associated with for thirty years were not spiritual. In fact, the organization I was affiliated with has absolutely no restoration process for ministers that fall. That may be terrible to say, but unless in the last ten years something has changed (I’ve been out of the loop), they still do not.

“I had some ministers call me and offer prayer. I had some call and offer my spouse and children (all of who are potipharexcellent musicians and singers) a place to go to church. I was not included in that invitation. No one said anything about restoration.

“My younger brother who pastors in Birmingham, Alabama came to help our family. Friends of the family from Botswana came to help in any way that they could. Some of the church people were doing all they could to aid our family in this dire situation. The organization as a whole did nothing but write Ichabod, “the glory has departed”, over me and my family. It wasn’t just only the organization but ministers that I thought were brothers.

“I can understand the reaction to me. I committed the sin and I needed to be removed. But I do not understand the complete desertion of my family by people who consistently profess their spirituality.”

Since the time of writing this chapter of the book I have had very few encounters with spiritual folks. I had a somewhat revealing conversation with a young minister a short time ago and he said concerning preachers that have fallen,”All of the ones I have heard about do not come back, they just leave and you never hear of them again.” I guess that is the most comfortable way to handle the situation, but it is not the biblical way.

I tried to “leave and not come back” but God keeps calling me and I am grateful for the call. Ministers quote the scripture that speaks of the gifts and calling of God are without repentance (Romans 11:29). I guess they are saying they agree with that scripture but not necessarily in their church or organization.

I was astonished to find that most of the people I had associated with for thirty years were not spiritual. In fact, the organization I was affiliated with has absolutely no restoration process for ministers that fall. That may be terrible to say, but unless in the last ten years something has changed (I’ve been out of the loop), they still do not.”

What I am seeking is a complete restoration to Christ and to pulpit ministry. The word restoration means to be put back the way it was before the injury. The church world we live in today does not have a real picture of the process and the replacement of “broken” preachers, that still have a call of God in their spirit. I have met some ministers that have excepted me into their church, but did not really know what to do with me. I’m sure if you are reading this blog you know where I am coming from.

How do we “fix” the problem? Most folks that I share my story with are not aware that 19,000 ministers leave the work of God a year. Most are unaware these preachers and their families are left to wander in their own wilderness until they find a source of help, give up and let the nature of their predicament take it’s course or they stumble upon a blog or a website that offers help.

I commend every minister, that I have met through Fallenpastor.com, for the work you are doing in the restoration of pastors. Brethren do not let the enemy tell you that you are not helping. Believe me, it is a breath of fresh air to realize there are spiritual people who are doing what they can to offer help to the fallen. I am praying with you, that together we can get the word out, so every fallen pastor can find a source of help in a time of need or can find help to negate the situation before it goes too far. God bless you and your families.

Other related articles:

Restoring Fallen Pastors,” by Eric Reed

Restoring the Fallen,” by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D.

Should Fallen Pastors Be Restored?” by John MacArthur

Book: “Restoration Manual: A Workbook For Restoring Fallen Ministers and Religious Leaders,” by Thomas L. Pedigo

Fallen Pastors Can Be Restored: A Personal Tale, Part 2” by Ray Carroll

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You will be blessed by Bobby Sutton’s book, “I Slept With Potiphar’s Wife.” He approaches pastoral restoration from a first-hand account that few have ever considered. It is available from his publisher’s site or other online retailers. Please check out my review on a previous post.

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

5 Things Christians Can Do When A Pastor Falls

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, church members, fallenness, help, pastors | Posted on 09-07-2014

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reachingoutWhat should a church member do when a pastor’s sin is uncovered? The pastor’s sin could be anything ranging from adultery to embezzling. I’ve put together a few quick questions someone should ask in reference to a pastor’s sin and their own struggle with the issues.

1. How will I and my family react long term and short term? When a pastor falls or sins and is dismissed, the church member and each family typically goes through a difficult time that is similar to the grief cycle one encounters after losing a loved one. Each family and church member needs to prepare for this struggle and look for support in Christ, their church family and possibly counseling.

2. How will our church as a whole react? How will our church leadership react? The church as a whole will often follow the reaction of the leadership. Leadership needs input from the congregation, so encourage them to handle the situation in a Scriptural manner. Also, share with them the need to ask for help from other churches or church leaders if they feel they are not able to make a clear decision.

“On top of everything, think of this: ‘One day, I may very well fall. How would I want people to care for me?’”

3. How will we as a church react directly to the pastor? In other words, if his sin warrants that he resign, he is still to be treated as a brother in Christ. Some follow up questions might be, “How will our reaction to him impact our church now and years later? Is how we are treating him on a personal level Scriptural? Will it impact future decisions we make?”

4. Regardless of what the church leadership decides, what will I choose to do in relationship to the pastor? Or, how will I choose to treat the fallen pastor? Many people may choose to judge the pastor or cut ties with him personally. But we are all responsible for how we react. How are we to treat those who sin? Even if they disappoint us greatly? Going along with the crowd mentality is easy, but taking a stand for what is right is always difficult. Take time, pray, and study Scripture to make the right decisions.

5. Pray for him. After I fell, I heard through the grapevine that one of my former deacons had trouble praying for me. He said it took him a long time before he was able to think positively enough of me to say a prayer for me. That is absolutely understandable. Do your best. On top of everything, think of this: “One day, I may very well fall. How would I want people to care for me?

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

4 Factors That Lead To Ministry Failure

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in adultery, church, church members, fallenness, pastors | Posted on 07-07-2014

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fallenWhen a pastor falls morally, it is a devastating event. It is an affront to God, it harms many relationships, it violates the marriage vow, and leaves many disillusioned people in its wake. I know, because almost five years ago, I committed adultery while pastoring.

When it happens, people want to know, “Why did he do it? What was he thinking?I want to list 4 factors that lead to ministry failure.

Before I do, I want to make a couple of important remarks. First, the question, “Why did he commit adultery?” is a complex question that requires a complex answer. There’s not going to be an answer that gives anyone complete satisfaction. When I wrote a book where I interviewed other fallen pastors, I was able to identify factors that led to moral failure. But even knowing these things doesn’t bring complete comfort.

It’s also important to know that these points aren’t an excuse or justification for adultery. The ultimate answer for “why do we fall short?” is “because we are sinful people who disobey God.” At some point, when a pastor begins to take his eyes off of God and makes a conscious choice to fall into temptation, the sin is his to own. Sin is behind each of these problems listed below. These are factors that lead up to that point. For more discussions of these points, please search my blog or check out my book.

1. Isolation - Many pastors do not have a strong support system. A lot of pastors don’t even have a close friend. The Fuller Institute reported in a study that 70% of pastors said they did not have someone they considered a close friend. In the ministry, having close friends you can share things with and be accountable to is extremely important. Forming a network of fellow pastors, mentors, and counselors who can help you through tough times is paramount to ministry survival.

It’s also important to know that these points aren’t an excuse or justification for adultery. The ultimate answer for ‘why do we fall short?’ is ‘because we are sinful people who disobey God.’ At some point, when a pastor begins to take his eyes off of God and makes a conscious choice to fall into temptation, the sin is his to own.”

2. Poor Marriage Relationship – I know a lot of pastors who have a wonderful relationship with their spouse and family. I’m also involved in this ministry now to help pastors who are in trouble, fallen pastors, their wives, women who have had affairs with pastors, and church leaders and members. I’ve learned that there are many troubled ministry marriages out there. A Francis Schaeffer Institute of Church Leadership study reported that 77% of pastors said they did not have a good marriage. The same report said that 30% of them reported they had either been in an ongoing affair or a one-time sexual encounter with a parishoner. A poor marriage is one of the strongest indicators that ministry failure is imminent.

3. Overly High ExpectationsI recently wrote a blog about high expectations and how they can lead to ministry failure Pastors should have high expectations. They have normal expectations for carrying out their job duties. They should be expected to have high moral character. But there are times when churches can expect too much. The Schaeffer report I quoted said that 71% stated they were burned out and they battle depression beyond fatigue on a weekly and even a daily basis. Extreme expectations can come from within or without, but if failure is to be prevented, communication must take place between the pastor and the leadership.

4. Judgmentalism/Pride – A lot of pastors who fall have a big problem with either judgmentalism and/or pride. The problem of judmentalism is not that the pastor understands what sin is and recognizes it. It is when he angrily demands control over every situation in a heavy-handed manner and without grace. Prideful pastors are those who demand their way and will rarely listen to counsel. The pulpit and position of pastor build them up and make them feel important instead of humble.

This ministry exists to help anyone who has experienced ministry and moral failure, or anyone on the brink of it. No matter who you are and how you’ve been affected, we will listen. You may feel broken and alone, but you’re not.

*All statistics can be found in my book.

Other helpful articles:

Why Pastors Fall Into Sin,” by Jack Frost

7 Steps to Avoid Sexual Sin and Stay in Ministry,” by Dustin Neeley

5 Reasons Ministers Are (More) Vulnerable to Sexual Temptation,” by Jeff Fisher

Seven Warning Signs of Affairs for Pastors and Other Church Staff,” by Thom S. Rainer

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

4 Common Reactions To A Fallen Pastor

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in church, church leadership, church members, pastors, restoration | Posted on 04-07-2014

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The day comes out of nowhere and the news hits everyone hard. Everyone learns that the sadpastor has committed adultery. Or, for that matter, they’ve discovered he’s embezzled or been lying about something horrible.

There are a myriad of reactions from many types of people. I was a pastor and I fell when I committed adultery. I had kept it secret for a few months, but you can’t sin under wraps forever. What I knew then about the reactions of people is different from what I know now.

I’ve learned something very important over the years – one of the most important things anyone can do is listen to what people are saying. When a pastor falls, the most important thing a church can do is listen. If we don’t listen, we can’t communicate. If we aren’t listening to the real hurt and concern of the people around us, we will never get to a place where we understand one another.

baptismEveryone has the right to react and feel hurt. Everyone has the right to feel disappointment in the person they listened to, trusted and loved.

I remember when I was writing my book, I was still having anger toward people who were lashing out at me about what I did. One of the most helpful conversations I had was with Dr. Hershael York who basically told me, “Ray, you don’t get the right to get angry with those people when they lash out in anger. You’re the one who committed adultery. You put them in that position. Even if their anger is unbiblical, which they’ll have to answer for, you need to keep silent. That’s part of being humble.

He was right. Now I’d like to share with you 4 common reactions to fallen pastors that I’ve heard over the years. I’m writing them so that we can see the larger picture. Once everything comes out, where do we go? Remember that a lot of things said in the first few days of discovery are said in anger or disappointment:

Reaction #1: Church Members:

Church member #1: “I can’t believe it. He baptized my kids. I trusted him. How could he do this? I guess it goes to show you that you can’t trust anyone.

Church member #2: “I never trusted him anyway. That’s horrible. His wife should leave him Pastor Holding Bibleright away. He has got to be fired right now. He’s probably been doing this for years.

Reaction #2: Church Leaders:

Church leader #1: “You know, we could just sweep this under the rug. Surely we can do damage control on this. If this gets out, it could hurt the church.

Church leader #2: “He’s done. This is an embarrassment. He needs to type a letter of resignation now and we have got to move on as quickly as possible.

Church leader #3: “He’s in trouble and I don’t like what he did. He can’t stay on here as pastor, but we do have a responsibility to help him and his family. Let’s go talk to him. I’m not sure what we can do, but let’s see if we can get him and his wife some help.

Reaction #3: Pastors in the Community:

Community pastor#1: “Wow. I never thought he would do that. Goes to show you it can happen to anyone.

Community pastor #2: “What a disappointment. He just makes us all look bad.

Community pastor #3: “I need to call him. I don’t know what I can do, but I can at least reach out.

Reaction #4: The Fallen Pastor:

The pastor #1: “I cannot believe this is happening. I don’t know how I got here. I mean, I know how I got here. But, I don’t know what to do now. I’m about to lose everything. It’s all my fault. I need help.

The pastor, reaction #2: “I’m done. I’m getting all these angry calls. I’m leaving anyway. I don’t want to have anything to do with church or any of this. My marriage has been awful and I’m leaving. No one can stop me.

Some might say, “Good, they deserve it.” Know what? We all deserve it.

The pastor, reaction #3: “I got caught. I know I did something wrong. Maybe I can get a little counseling and get back to ministry soon.”

There are a lot of different reactions. Not everyone is on the same page and every member, leader and pastor has a different set of dynamics. The pastor has sinned and is responsible to face the consequences.

Here at Fallen Pastor, I do two things. First, I listen to people who approach me with questions. If they want advice, I give it. When a fallen pastor contacts me, I help. I’ve heard from all three of those types of pastors I listed above. I listen to them. And I love on them. I let them know that life isn’t over. I want them to be reconciled to Christ. I tell them that I will stand with them and help them get back on their feet.

Sometimes, they don’t listen to what I have to say. Sometimes they just want the answer to one or two questions and I never hear from them again. And that’s okay too.

But what I also do is help churches be aware that the fallen pastor needs help. His family needs help. I know that’s a tall order. I do. He just got caught sinning. He messed up royally. He has brought a dark cloud to rest on the church. People in the community will be gossiping for months about this.

Then we come to Galatians 6:1 where we are told to restore people. Not to the pulpit – but to Reconciling With A Fallen Pastor, Part 2: Stages Of The FallChrist. We are to restore people when they fall. Know what we are to do when someone sins? Help them out of the pit they’ve dug for themselves.

In the beginning, it sure is hard. We are hurt, angry and want to put that person as far away from us as possible.

And the guys who get tossed to the side after they sin – I’ve talked to them too. Years after they fell, they are in a really bad place. Some might say, “Good, they deserve it.” Know what? We all deserve it. And I will never argue that a fallen pastor shouldn’t face up to the consequences he sowed. He will for the rest of his life.

What I am calling for is the Christian community to do what they can to restore people who sin. Restore them to Christ. And if you need help, reach out. We’re here. If you can’t do it yourself, find someone who can.

Some related articles to help your current pastor:

5 Ways to Pray For Your Pastor” by Nicholas Batzig

Pray For Your Pastor!” by Tim Challies

20 Ways To Encourage Your Pastor” by Dennis Rainey

10 Ways to Help Your Pastor” by Kevan Bartlett

10 Ways to Support Your Congregation’s Pastor” by Rev. Emily C. Heath

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.

 

3 Sources of High Expectations For Pastors

Posted by Ray Carroll | Posted in church leadership, church members, churches, culture, expectations, pastoring, pastors | Posted on 02-07-2014

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A 2001 Barna study shared the following information: “Church-goers expect their pastor to juggle an average of 16 major tasks. That’s a recipe for failure – nobody can handle the wide range of responsibilities that people expect pastors to master.”

That was one of the most interesting statistics I found while doing research for my book, Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World. That statistic reflects what I believe many pastors feel is the cause of killer expectations – the congregation or a controlling group of church leaders. What I discovered in writing was that blaming one side was incompatible with what was really going on in today’s churches.

Before I wrote my book, I thought I knew a lot about high expectations for pastors. I had practical experience, but it was nothing compared to what I learned after studying statistics and interviewing fallen pastors. If a pastor does not understand expectations rightly, misconstrues them, or does not have the right center, he stands the danger of burnout or worse.

Expectations come from many places. First, there are congregational expectations. What does the congregation expect out of their pastor? What did the pulpit committee tell the pastor when he was hired? Have those expectations changed as the church has grown or declined in attendance? Does the church setting make a difference? Is the church’s set of expectations based on Scripture, bylaws or any written standard that can be measured quantitatively? Do church expectations come from a leadership council or the entire congregation?

“Any idea outside of Scripture attributed to the pastor should be discussed and agreed upon between pastor and church leadership. Any unspoken or assumed expectations can be harmful for both parties.”

All of these questions can help sort out where congregational expectations come from. I had a friend in seminary who pastored a rural church that voted on whether to keep him every year. It had been in the bylaws since a pastor had fallen over six decades earlier. I know of churches who pass out pastoral satisfaction surveys on occasion.

Secondly, expectations also come from within the pastor. These are typically the strongest expectations pastors wrestle with. Pastors who are perfectionists are rarely satisfied with the job they are doing. These men often work long hours with the idea in mind that they are never quite fulfilling every need in the church. Somewhere in their brain, they perceive unmet needs among the congregation that they could be fixing or making better. They are hard workers, but without a system of realistic and Scriptural expectations, these men experience tremendous burnout.

perfectPastors can experience several things that can warp their view of expectations upon them. One is pastoral competition or self-competition. A lot of guys love to talk about numbers. When pastors meet, (they might not admit it) they intrinsically measure success by the number of people in their congregation or total budgets.

While many give lip-service to the idea that, “I’d be happy preaching to one person each Sunday,” there seems to be an innate drive to move forward to the next big thing. Even if they aren’t comparing numbers with other pastors, a lot of young pastors are taught a business model of church where moving on to the next big position is just a natural progression.

Of course, this isn’t always true. There are always exceptions and we all know of men who are content with the congregations they serve. The point is that this drive from without or within can lead to a warped view of success and high expectations.

The third place expectations come is from God. This is where high proper expectations should come from. God has a high expectation for those He calls. 1 Timothy 3:1-7 is the most common passage quoted when listing the moral qualifications for an overseer:  “If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.” (ESV)

There is discussion over some of the specific ideas in this passage, but for the most part, it is agreed that God expects His leaders to have a certain level of morality and moral leadership. Ultimately, God’s standard is the greatest standard. Any idea outside of Scripture attributed to the pastor should be discussed and agreed upon between pastor and church leadership. Any unspoken or assumed expectations can be harmful for both parties.

The warped view of high expectations (whether from congregations, from within, or both) can be seen in one of two examples, although there are surely more.

If congregations or leadership have expectations that are too high, unspoken, or unrealistic for the pastor, he can become frustrated in his duties. Despite his normal duties of teaching and preaching, he can become overwhelmed with a myriad of other tasks. He can become party to this as well if he takes on tasks without asking for help or communicating clearly to his people. Pastors who believe they can or should do everything will experience a large amount of frustration, leading to potential burnout.

Sometimes, churches are unaware they are adding to these high expectations. Many people mean well or are unsure of how to approach the pastor but can say things that come across as hurtful to the pastor: “Our old pastor didn’t do it like that,” “You only work one day a week, surely you can do more,” “Why haven’t you visited more people?” “There sure haven’t been many people here lately.” People often mean well or aren’t thinking when they make statements like this, but need to be aware of the weight their words carry. Most pastors spend all week concentrating on the church and the duties he performs and takes his job very seriously.

High expectations happen to everyone, but understanding their source is of great importance. Pastoral/Church communication about correct expectations can prevent church disappointment, pastoral burnout but can also promote proper church health and focus on Christ’s community and everyone’s role within it.

Other helpful articles about pastor expectations:

How Many Hours Must a Pastor Work to Satisfy the Congregation?” by Thom Rainer

What Are Pastors Supposed to Do For You?” by Mark D. Roberts

Your Pastor is Only Human! Here’s What He Wants You To Know” by Tim Franklin

Look at These Expectations on a Pastor’s Time. Then Take a Day Off.” by Trend Watch

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Ray Carroll is the author of “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World,” which answers many of the questions I get asked on a weekly basis.

If you are a fallen pastor who needs to talk or you are someone who has been affected by a fallen pastor and would like to contact me privately, please click here. You are the main reason this ministry exists. I’m here to help you.

If you are a church, men’s group, association, conference, or news outlet and would like more information about this ministry, please click here.